The Fates

Woven by Moirae
Mortal design bound in thread
My tragedy unfurled,
Where my life has led
Even the Fates turned aside;
And hide tears as they work
Up ending embroidered loss
Broken, I live in cropped stitches
A kaleidoscope of hearts
And; a single silver thread
of granted wishes
There is a wisdom in necessity
Even, in love not meant to be
Like puppets in stops and starts
My life continues; untold glitches
I can’t prevail, in this I lose
Clotho, Lahkesis and Atropos,
Cry as they weave mankind
They Cry to Ananke,
A Mother who guides no more
This – I did not choose,
Are you Listening, or turned blind?
While I implore Zeus,
Please stop
The loom chamber glints
Ashen and gold
Beautiful Reds in grief
Wondrous Blues of magic
Bound to each, these three
Woven core for destiny
They do not pause
Or give probable cause
They have no say
They cannot speak
They cannot change
The future they bring
The Fates will win
But, it is no victory
I’ve asked The Fates
For an inkling
How much longer
Before they cut my string
moirai by pandorasconviction.jpg

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress


Treasure Chest

That locked box where you stockpile
The things that no-one sees
The darkness you know too well
Your languid perusal of these….
Tiny folded boxes, atrophied dreams
Address secrets of jealousies
And cadaverous deficiencies
In a locked box with your tools
Where you practiced fooling fools
With lipstick stained failures
Your shiny trinkets,
The cross, a ring and bones
The delinquent prayers
Blue ribbon tied baby shoes
Stained, when too many tears fell
The memory brings you to your knees
When you unlock your safe box hell
With a key you’ve kept
A copy of a copy
Because trust is a disease
At which you’re so adept
And Love is a virus that kills
You deny it, but
You cried from it
Now hide from it
Because you know how it feels
Cobwebs hug tightly, each red corner
Destroyed humanity, or denied hurt
You know you chose the former
Before I laid me down to keep
These secrets that I love so deep
And, I swore I’d keep for you
It remains hidden
If it does not exist
It cannot reveal
What it does not feel
There is no entrance
There is no fee
You cannot steal
What’s always been free
It is a charming sentence
In a world you’ve made unreal
In a mind of carefully worded twists
Treasure chest of forgotten
Crusted bloodied when you cared
Still you never compromised
Superstitiously, never dared
If your secrets are worth that much
It is true that you’ve been wise
Locked away long enough
Even truths can become lies
When there’s nothing left to discuss
Folded red ribbons of circles
Repeat chants of love miracles
Chart waning and waxing moon
Your strongest Magic works here
Your life force trapped in a room
As you speak in softest kisses
It’s what you do to conceal
And, to keep your box of secrets
You kept the last of all your wishes
Decided in ashes of trust denied
As If given
As it is riven
You are not winning
It is as it has been written
I know I’d better warn you, though
The ultimate price of sinning
These decisions were not up to you
They are Divine, not for The Living
You need to be aware of this
It is infinite, and Angels attest
Lest the dark night becomes a noose
Bravely open that treasure chest
They demand you let your demons loose
It is freedom, and only you can choose


Photo Courtesy of,
Treasure Chest Aged 90 by
Greenman’s Door by Kuoma
ღƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ☆¸.•°*”˜ ˜”*°•.¸☆ ★

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress


I counted my demons
Accumulated, fed, destroyed, stronger
I counted my reaction time
Fought, slower, lost, longer
I counted blessings
That just made me mad
I’ve wrestled for so long, now
Counted blessings make me sad
I tallied words, hurts and tears
Included hope, joy and fears
I added up my wrong
I added up my loss
I crossed out calculation
Totals ran red in cost
Added God for calibration
Of these demons inside my head
With my full consent
I declare an enemy dead
You undid me when you went
As recollections burn
Devastated amputation
Of heart, of soul, of sin
Faith is real regeneration
I still hold salvation high
And, though you cannot see
You need to take your turn
If it was so easy to break me
Not to stop, to check, to learn
Or pretend the culprit not you
And every bitter pill I took
Reminds me I should have taken two
I accept my soul disrupt
I accept this life bankrupt
I accept it is not the end
Acknowledge debt out loud
While torment sleeps in shroud
Before you judge my outcome
Before you judge my despair
Or Tsk Tsk me destroyed
Remember, Innocence is unaware
Remember, I wished you laughter
All I wanted was you there
For the beginning, the life and hereafter
While you willed me blind
There isn’t always an after
Nor time to atone
Derisive, decisive, God is incisive
I have no answers, no more questions
I gave you a lifetime
You gave me alone
When I calculated my lessons
Forgiveness was always mine
Sealed your fated total in an envelope
We cannot calculate confessions
As Angels evicted demons
God delivered it to you
And, stamped it in angry red
For your sins this is “Now Due”

“Freedom” by Young-june Choi (Gpzang)

Artist’s comment (in somewhat broken English):
We are thrown into the intensive life.
To gain what we want, we struggle fiercely. May complete freedom be achieved only when all the struggles comes to the end.

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

I wish, I wish, I wish

I wish, I wish, I wish
No silence when you leave
Spoken louder than trees rustling
My wintry attempts unhinged
And an unbridled pain
Of the noisy proud of hustling
When you know all is lost
And nothing can remain
When you’ve bet the full cost
Still all expectations pale
And the sum total stays at loss
I wish, I wish, I wish
No futile fumbling in the dark
And I need never bid you depart
That nurture not a dropped stitch
Of a life that filled my womb
That I could finish what I start
That I could be more human
And make that my Art
That I could be loved
And not manifest failed acumen
That I could love
The things I have been dreaming of
And not feel nothing, but contempt
At time wasted, misspent
On all these attempts
And still my creation bent
I wish, I wish, I wish
That I knew more than this
Before crickets were my dance partner
In the longest lonely night
That my life deny disaster
Or the petty things in which you delight
In hurting and betrayal
And I find I grieve anew
At the prettiest portrayal
At the loss of innocence
And a laughter not felt since
The beginning that was you
When fascination was complete
Oh how disappointment leaves me weak
And, I can barely speak
Of the heartbreak you have brought
And the favours I have bought
To keep you close
And I’m stuck on repeat
This devastation so utmost
My womb continues to sleep
I wish, I wish, I wish
That you were not so broken
That you take back words you’ve spoken
And the hands you use to beat
My heart and face and keep
You safe in Mother’s love
What were you thinking of?
I always chose you first
Even at my worst
I wish, I wish, I wish
I were not too tired to continue
But, I heave with no breath left
Pray you could find within you
A piece to fix your puzzle
That realization bubble
And that a man can new emerge
I wouldn’t strand you child
Or leave you in the dirt
But, I cannot pick you up
My heart has had enough
I wish, I wish, I wish
That even prodigal
Some part of you comprehends
My mistakes knew nothing logical
Except the need that you not spend
Even one day less than perfect
I admitted same and knew
That for you all is worth it
Yet, I cannot keep making amends
If I am the one who spends
An eternity on what if
I wish, I wish, I wish
And I am sorry it wasn’t expected
I didn’t read the rules
I didn’t know I neglected
The perfection of your soul
But, I have paid my dues
Tenfold and in kind
I myself am still in progress
A developmental design
And I was less than whole
Before you were even conceived
You are my one achievement
Now from you I am torn
The proudest moment of my life
Was the day that you were born

For my son: I love you. God Bless Your Path and Keep you Safe, Mom

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

While you were away

While you were away
My mind attuned
My body would sway
My life on hold, no reservations
These remembered conversations:
“I’m very jealous, are you?”
“No, never.”
“It isn’t easy, I do not trust.”
“For us to succeed, sweetheart,
you must.”
“I’m possessive, needy.”
“That’s alright, I accept you completely.”
“When I am most afraid, I push away.”
“Push, my love, I’m here to stay.”
“I will understand if you want to go.”
“I’m not leaving, you need to know.”
“I love you, as woman, with all I am.”
“I love you, too. With every breath as a man.”

While you were away
The days long, content
I took out our love, daily
Held it close wherever I went
Then Polished; until it shone
Paid Much attention, lovingly
Asked it questions, happily
Told it my secrets, daringly
Perhaps I grew complacent
Perhaps destiny’s accident
And me, not once thinking
we could not be One
Like treachery, a malignant hell
Or; a spite spell woven to distract
Until, one day while polishing,
I dropped our love and it cracked

While you were gone
I accused you ceaselessly
You swore I was wrong
Misunderstood from Understand
Hold your hand,
became; let me go.
Winter set in, rumors rife
of perceived sin, and I felt bone chill
Saw jpegs of your smiling life
Couldn’t get to you,
to see your face
You left me alone with me,
In my hated place

While you were away
When I caught a glimpse
your other life…stored contempt,
Stop pushing, you shouted
But; It weakened my structure,
Broke my core,
reminded me of before
And tore me apart
I tried all my tricks,
I stayed without sleep
I crumbled, like pick-up sticks
I played alone in the dark
Still my mind saw your eyes,
alight, in love; beautiful with lies
I now know better
I’ve hated someone,
Though, I’ve never met her
In pieces, I came undone

While you were away
I’ve been building walls and doors
Shirk womanly chores
I painted over sorrow
What I didn’t have
Of Emotional investment,
I had to borrow
to want a man
Built with no earthly plan
Cried tears into the garden
Created discordant Labyrinth
Watched the soil slowly harden
Between the gate and me
Welcome mat says, ‘My Truth’
Underneath please find two keys:
One says ‘Home’ and one says ‘Go’
If you make it to the door
If you make it, I’ll believe

He says:
While you were away
Each day,
I came back for you
Your heart was not at home,
No reply, in any time zone
I knocked, banged with fists
I cleaned, fixed windows and doors
I cleared undergrowth twists
And Pulled Ivy down for sight
Still, I couldn’t find the way in
Or a way back to your light
And our remembered conversation
Kept strong, held through the night
As I carefully tended the garden
My tears fell, softened debris
I Laid the welcome mat, ‘Believe’
I loved you patiently
Still, You wouldn’t open for me
So, for you I bleed
And; my Truth is
I didn’t want to leave

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

My Heart Said Stay

Built tall and dusky
Denial in a rusty bed1234679_586507291385457_673148739_n
That stays pristine
Virginal, new
Yet, unclean
Like things you never said
Rid myself of compliance
Trip on pride
The reliance
Lives only in my head
I walk with denial
As if we never met
Or you never left
Because it kills me
Either way
It fills me
My heart said stay
And then pushed
‘Til blinded
You went away
And I could not see
I was pushing me
Phantom kisses
In deepest sleep
Honest whispers
Memory keep
And silently weep
I never knew
I’d miss you
Until gone
Carefully strong
For far too long
As so forget
We ever met
For my protection
My predilection
For hurting me
Desert completely
And love a joke
Our story’s end
Before you spoke
Though I loved you
At first glance
Unlucky in love
And games of chance
Held dice tightly
I cannot lose
If you don’t fight me
Yes, I choose
Not to play
You should have known
My heart said stay
You should have gambled
Or taken the dice away

KayKay’s Unicorn OF Life

New blog – beautiful 🌺


Find a beginning
Then unravel
The dazzle
Only a dare
And back to nowhere
Bitter swill
Beer stained breath
Upon my neck
That kisses perfume
Of A night
Already gone
From sight
The sound so loud
In the silence
Of waste
In his haste
Kisses barely taste
Of home
Yet continue
This urge
The beginning neglect
A retinue
Of images
Impaling imprints
Of hands
Upon sheets
And sweat covered bodies
As sun greets
More naked in light
Don’t ask these things
That outta sight
Beneath goodbye
Beginning sings
Not looked in the eye
My lips pout wry
The irony wins
A contented sigh
Smile and Shrug
In catlike yawn
This dawn
Was new
So, Thank You

Here and now


That’s where they said you are
Your heart never stopped beating
And your soul never stopped being
I struggled with that – the ideology
That living blind does not mean that you cannot see
That absence doesn’t mean gone forever
That silence doesn’t mean you don’t speak
That you can hear me anytime and wherever
That no goodbye doesn’t mean no new hello
That you’re in the clouds, with sun gold and green snow
That you did not ignore me when I pleaded don’t you go
That you refused a choice and were chosen anyway
Getting here took time
Getting here took agony
Getting here was befriending
My grief that was Enemy
Getting here took God
Getting here took Faith
Getting here took everything
And the tears in which I bathed
The heart is resilient
And the mind chooses carefully
Over time and gathered perspective
I remember laughter’s memory
And each heartbeat respective
To time and patience
To the here and now
To who remains
And to making love count
And so each heartbeat reflected
An infinite amount

The Tangle

Chiffon and paper notes
And apologies aren’t required
Written by hand
Written in wet and slowly we sun dried it
Sandalwood suds, saffron and beaded slips
Off my hips and even higher
To feel again the fire
Sugar cubes and tender looks
Cocoa ChapStick and love in sips
These add up to all our stars
These combine and take us higher
I’ve been undressed by this man
I lift to match his touch
Gentle fingers and upon firm wrists
Even with my scars
Shivers in the evening light
Hellos in ear and goosed flesh blue
Upon the sea sand she shall
In antiquity, in forever
He says, “I am tangled inside you…”
If just one no, if never
Convinced tear drops are dew
Under oceans of whatever
Under skies of us two

5 years

Time means nothing inside pain
Distance means nothing
I will never see you again
I am finished with words
They scar and they run red
I am done with lovers and choose instead an empty bed
If before I was lost, in order to be found
Itself in myself, is where I went to ground
I was gone, not present for that day
That’s my life, that’s my choice, that’s my final say
My moments are mine
My minutes finite
If you knew me as you said
And truly scratched inside my head
You would know my soul is tainted
With the memories of my dead

10 of The Best Feelings in the World

~ Hot Showers
~ The first bite of your favourite meal when you’re really hungry
~ Tight Hugs 


 Knowing the kids are safe‎

~ Crawling into a crisp bed after a long day‎

~ Forehead Kisses

~ Waking up in the morning and feeling like you’ve actually had enough sleep

~ The absence of pain

~ Soup in Winter ‎

~ Making love and really connecting 

​On Being Single ~ Again 

 So… recently a male friend posed a question: “It’s been 8 years since you were “dropped” after what… like 17 years?” 

“Yep.. and ??” 

“Just wondering.. what do you miss? Seems not much cos you stay single..?” 

Needless to say I was quite surprised at the light he viewed me in. So, I thought about it… and I have not been strictly single for 8 years. I’ve had a few “serious” or “getting serious” relationships. I’ve even agreed to marriage: twice! But, I am picky, I admit it. I am difficult, too. It simply comes down to my preference for peace – in all things. And, if you know me, you know I’m brutally honest, especially with myself: so, yes, I miss “early morning, world still asleep” loving and having a confidant. But, where would loving get me at this stage of my life? Every minute I decide to conscientiously give to someone is precious and I will never get it back. Coincidently, every minute I have actively chosen not to love, I will never fill with loving. 

And, that’s just sad. Either way.

God Blinks An Eye


We are told to continue to pray, with Faith and to believe. That God does things for His reasons and answers prayers in His time. Then, too, we are told that our lives are a blink of His eye. Did you Blink God and not hear me? Did I disappoint You so badly that you cannot bear to hear me, my sobs, my anguish, my loss and my helplessness – did it extend to nonchalance at the gritty hurt of insecurity, pain & homelessness?

I can remember that the only things I was sure I wanted in this life: a home for myself and my kids, somewhere safe and where nobody could make me go, finally secure. Where I’d cook and clean and welcome my family in from the world outside and we would share togetherness.

This never happened. Instead we were pushed to sleeping in parks, on pavements, dirty and unkempt, losing everything, losing dignity, losing hope. Still, I prayed. You know I did.

The only other thing I ever wanted was to feel and believe that I was loved. Perhaps a man who showed with actions not just words, that leaving me was not an option. Obviously, I can never believe that now and I accepted a long time ago that to be alone and single is my preference – I just do not believe this is possible. Anyone willing to love me would need to love my broken children – and I will never accept that such a man exists.

Failing all that, the love of my children would have (should) sufficed; fill some void and that would be enough. This, too, has never happened. They love me because they have to, but there is no intensity of emotion or loyalty toward me. I’m just the person who carries the blame and broke everything further.

I cannot remember ever not trying. Not doing all I can for them. Bargaining, hospitals, courts, clothes, food, work and more work. Beaten to save them from being beaten. Weak in so many ways that the guilt lives inside of me.

I no longer try. I will run only if I have absolutely no choice. I will walk away when disrespected. I will accept my failures and my inability to “fix”. I stay without food and I stay inside an ailing body. I cannot care anymore.  And, still I do not hear God. That kills me the most. I am not waiting for “breakthrough” and promises of “Amens” for money are just offensive – wise up!

I will wake up (on any given day) and I will find laughter or I will remain sad, with my reminiscences of love, those I loved and lost to death or betrayal. It is okay, either way. I do not expect miracles because we squander them – they are tiny feet, rainbows, a people united by thousands in solidarity against war or injustice, forgiveness, orgasms, hugs, a homeless person sharing his last food,  We, the blind, we, the deaf – praying praying praying – while God safely blinks an eye…Because He already gifted us our miracles. I am positive he hoped Humanity would not squander them.


images (3).jpg

I feel wronged
And, I have wronged you, too
Me ~ Taken advantage of
Chewed and spat out
Not to their liking
A touch too exotic
A touch too bothersome
And, so easy to let go
Scapegoat ~ easily nothing beneath their feet
This flesh aged by No
These wrinkles my severance
Those punches came as handshakes
They came to inspire
Then when I dared disagree
They came harder and higher
Little educated bites of shame
So, when I shut my mouth
When with quiet dignity took blame
While they wore suits…
and brandished their big names
In court rooms
And boardrooms
And bedrooms
I betrayed you, Women
I could not stay you
Now you hate me
This disillusion filled spite monger
because I dare You,
As I could not
Shout the Freedom I won for you
Rage the injustice
Those hushed orders issued
After long days in pseudo gratitude ~ Gone!
For a wage that fed
For the family you’d tend
While the soul ran red
For fist slammed on desk
…to show authority
For his shouted superiority
No quiet acceptance
No more
No nodding, no agreeing
Yes, it is our benevolent light…
And; I say:
Fight for your voice
Raise it
For your fortitude
You made it
For your daughter
So save her
Fight for yourself
Fight before God
Fight for what is right
Or, all you have is the start
of ĺittle deaths, over and over
…then debilitating ones ~
…then Hope dies &
when that goes, fall…

…as fight l🌹eaves the soul
And then…too late.
Because child; you are Me…
And, We
And fight fears night
The righteousness silenced
By too many swallowed words
By the quietness of violence
And; ultimately our God betrayed
Women ~ We have always prayed
Stand Tall, Speak Loudly, Defended
We are glorious, we are as God Intended



Your pills, not mine

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Distant now
My hopeful childhood steps
Hours embraced days
Those Dark Days that chased weeks
And weeks that seduced years
The only constant that quiet ticking
The seconds most sure of their importance
These catastrophes they’ve brought us
or laughter from the belly up
…..and out into the world
Unhinged euphoria!
Before sadness and happiness
Felt symbiotically within hours ~ could not coexist….
Doctor’s script
And, so labelled: My impossible ~ Bipolar or Manic
Given pills to remedy
Told, “Hold her steady…”
For a madness that was quite ordinary ~ ¿
Exhilarating voracious wonder ~ Gone
You broke me, that’s how you won.

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