The Fates

Woven by Moirae
Mortal design bound in thread
My tragedy unfurled,
Where my life has led
Even the Fates turned aside;
And hide tears as they work
Up ending embroidered loss
Broken, I live in cropped stitches
A kaleidoscope of hearts
And; a single silver thread
of granted wishes
There is a wisdom in necessity
Even, in love not meant to be
Like puppets in stops and starts
My life continues; untold glitches
I can’t prevail, in this I lose
Clotho, Lahkesis and Atropos,
Cry as they weave mankind
They Cry to Ananke,
A Mother who guides no more
This – I did not choose,
Are you Listening, or turned blind?
While I implore Zeus,
Please stop
The loom chamber glints
Ashen and gold
Beautiful Reds in grief
Wondrous Blues of magic
Bound to each, these three
Woven core for destiny
They do not pause
Or give probable cause
They have no say
They cannot speak
They cannot change
The future they bring
The Fates will win
But, it is no victory
I’ve asked The Fates
For an inkling
How much longer
Before they cut my string

http://fc00.deviantart.net
moirai by pandorasconviction.jpg

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

Treasure Chest

That locked box where you stockpile
The things that no-one sees
The darkness you know too well
Your languid perusal of these….
Tiny folded boxes, atrophied dreams
Address secrets of jealousies
And cadaverous deficiencies
In a locked box with your tools
Where you practiced fooling fools
With lipstick stained failures
Your shiny trinkets,
The cross, a ring and bones
The delinquent prayers
Blue ribbon tied baby shoes
Stained, when too many tears fell
The memory brings you to your knees
When you unlock your safe box hell
With a key you’ve kept
A copy of a copy
Because trust is a disease
At which you’re so adept
And Love is a virus that kills
You deny it, but
You cried from it
Now hide from it
Because you know how it feels
Cobwebs hug tightly, each red corner
Destroyed humanity, or denied hurt
You know you chose the former
Before I laid me down to keep
These secrets that I love so deep
And, I swore I’d keep for you
It remains hidden
If it does not exist
It cannot reveal
What it does not feel
There is no entrance
There is no fee
You cannot steal
What’s always been free
It is a charming sentence
In a world you’ve made unreal
In a mind of carefully worded twists
Treasure chest of forgotten
Crusted bloodied when you cared
Still you never compromised
Superstitiously, never dared
If your secrets are worth that much
It is true that you’ve been wise
Locked away long enough
Even truths can become lies
When there’s nothing left to discuss
Folded red ribbons of circles
Repeat chants of love miracles
Chart waning and waxing moon
Your strongest Magic works here
Your life force trapped in a room
As you speak in softest kisses
It’s what you do to conceal
And, to keep your box of secrets
You kept the last of all your wishes
Decided in ashes of trust denied
As If given
As it is riven
You are not winning
It is as it has been written
I know I’d better warn you, though
The ultimate price of sinning
These decisions were not up to you
They are Divine, not for The Living
You need to be aware of this
It is infinite, and Angels attest
Lest the dark night becomes a noose
Bravely open that treasure chest
They demand you let your demons loose
It is freedom, and only you can choose

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Photo Courtesy of,
Treasure Chest Aged 90 by
SAM @ SamInc04.deviantart.com
And
Greenman’s Door by Kuoma
Via
ღƸ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ☆¸.•°*”˜ http://www.facebook.com/fairiesmythsandmagic ˜”*°•.¸☆ ★

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

Accountable

I counted my demons
Accumulated, fed, destroyed, stronger
I counted my reaction time
Fought, slower, lost, longer
I counted blessings
That just made me mad
I’ve wrestled for so long, now
Counted blessings make me sad
I tallied words, hurts and tears
Included hope, joy and fears
I added up my wrong
I added up my loss
I crossed out calculation
Totals ran red in cost
Added God for calibration
Of these demons inside my head
With my full consent
I declare an enemy dead
You undid me when you went
As recollections burn
Devastated amputation
Of heart, of soul, of sin
Faith is real regeneration
I still hold salvation high
And, though you cannot see
You need to take your turn
If it was so easy to break me
Not to stop, to check, to learn
Or pretend the culprit not you
And every bitter pill I took
Reminds me I should have taken two
I accept my soul disrupt
I accept this life bankrupt
I accept it is not the end
Acknowledge debt out loud
While torment sleeps in shroud
Before you judge my outcome
Before you judge my despair
Or Tsk Tsk me destroyed
Remember, Innocence is unaware
Remember, I wished you laughter
All I wanted was you there
For the beginning, the life and hereafter
While you willed me blind
There isn’t always an after
Nor time to atone
Derisive, decisive, God is incisive
I have no answers, no more questions
I gave you a lifetime
You gave me alone
When I calculated my lessons
Forgiveness was always mine
Sealed your fated total in an envelope
We cannot calculate confessions
As Angels evicted demons
God delivered it to you
And, stamped it in angry red
For your sins this is “Now Due”

Photo:
“Freedom” by Young-june Choi (Gpzang)
http://www.gpzang.deviantart.com

Artist’s comment (in somewhat broken English):
We are thrown into the intensive life.
To gain what we want, we struggle fiercely. May complete freedom be achieved only when all the struggles comes to the end.

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

I wish, I wish, I wish

I wish, I wish, I wish
No silence when you leave
Spoken louder than trees rustling
My wintry attempts unhinged
And an unbridled pain
Of the noisy proud of hustling
When you know all is lost
And nothing can remain
When you’ve bet the full cost
Still all expectations pale
And the sum total stays at loss
I wish, I wish, I wish
No futile fumbling in the dark
And I need never bid you depart
That nurture not a dropped stitch
Of a life that filled my womb
That I could finish what I start
That I could be more human
And make that my Art
That I could be loved
And not manifest failed acumen
That I could love
The things I have been dreaming of
And not feel nothing, but contempt
At time wasted, misspent
On all these attempts
And still my creation bent
I wish, I wish, I wish
That I knew more than this
Before crickets were my dance partner
In the longest lonely night
That my life deny disaster
Or the petty things in which you delight
In hurting and betrayal
And I find I grieve anew
At the prettiest portrayal
At the loss of innocence
And a laughter not felt since
The beginning that was you
When fascination was complete
Oh how disappointment leaves me weak
And, I can barely speak
Of the heartbreak you have brought
And the favours I have bought
To keep you close
And I’m stuck on repeat
This devastation so utmost
My womb continues to sleep
I wish, I wish, I wish
That you were not so broken
That you take back words you’ve spoken
And the hands you use to beat
My heart and face and keep
You safe in Mother’s love
What were you thinking of?
I always chose you first
Even at my worst
I wish, I wish, I wish
I were not too tired to continue
But, I heave with no breath left
Pray you could find within you
A piece to fix your puzzle
That realization bubble
And that a man can new emerge
I wouldn’t strand you child
Or leave you in the dirt
But, I cannot pick you up
My heart has had enough
I wish, I wish, I wish
That even prodigal
Some part of you comprehends
My mistakes knew nothing logical
Except the need that you not spend
Even one day less than perfect
I admitted same and knew
That for you all is worth it
Yet, I cannot keep making amends
If I am the one who spends
An eternity on what if
I wish, I wish, I wish
And I am sorry it wasn’t expected
I didn’t read the rules
I didn’t know I neglected
The perfection of your soul
But, I have paid my dues
Tenfold and in kind
I myself am still in progress
A developmental design
And I was less than whole
Before you were even conceived
You are my one achievement
Now from you I am torn
The proudest moment of my life
Was the day that you were born

For my son: I love you. God Bless Your Path and Keep you Safe, Mom

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

While you were away

While you were away
My mind attuned
My body would sway
My life on hold, no reservations
These remembered conversations:
“I’m very jealous, are you?”
“No, never.”
“It isn’t easy, I do not trust.”
“For us to succeed, sweetheart,
you must.”
“I’m possessive, needy.”
“That’s alright, I accept you completely.”
“When I am most afraid, I push away.”
“Push, my love, I’m here to stay.”
“I will understand if you want to go.”
“I’m not leaving, you need to know.”
“I love you, as woman, with all I am.”
“I love you, too. With every breath as a man.”

While you were away
The days long, content
I took out our love, daily
Held it close wherever I went
Then Polished; until it shone
Paid Much attention, lovingly
Asked it questions, happily
Told it my secrets, daringly
Perhaps I grew complacent
Perhaps destiny’s accident
And me, not once thinking
we could not be One
Like treachery, a malignant hell
Or; a spite spell woven to distract
Until, one day while polishing,
I dropped our love and it cracked

While you were gone
I accused you ceaselessly
You swore I was wrong
Misunderstood from Understand
Hold your hand,
became; let me go.
Winter set in, rumors rife
of perceived sin, and I felt bone chill
Saw jpegs of your smiling life
Couldn’t get to you,
to see your face
You left me alone with me,
In my hated place

While you were away
When I caught a glimpse
your other life…stored contempt,
Stop pushing, you shouted
But; It weakened my structure,
Broke my core,
reminded me of before
And tore me apart
I tried all my tricks,
I stayed without sleep
I crumbled, like pick-up sticks
I played alone in the dark
Still my mind saw your eyes,
alight, in love; beautiful with lies
I now know better
I’ve hated someone,
Though, I’ve never met her
In pieces, I came undone

While you were away
I’ve been building walls and doors
Shirk womanly chores
I painted over sorrow
What I didn’t have
Of Emotional investment,
I had to borrow
Forgot
to want a man
Built with no earthly plan
Cried tears into the garden
Created discordant Labyrinth
Watched the soil slowly harden
Between the gate and me
Welcome mat says, ‘My Truth’
Underneath please find two keys:
One says ‘Home’ and one says ‘Go’
If you make it to the door
If you make it, I’ll believe

He says:
While you were away
Each day,
I came back for you
Your heart was not at home,
No reply, in any time zone
I knocked, banged with fists
I cleaned, fixed windows and doors
I cleared undergrowth twists
And Pulled Ivy down for sight
Still, I couldn’t find the way in
Or a way back to your light
And our remembered conversation
Kept strong, held through the night
As I carefully tended the garden
My tears fell, softened debris
I Laid the welcome mat, ‘Believe’
I loved you patiently
Still, You wouldn’t open for me
So, for you I bleed
And; my Truth is
I didn’t want to leave
XX

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

My Heart Said Stay

Walls
Built tall and dusky
Denial in a rusty bed1234679_586507291385457_673148739_n
That stays pristine
Virginal, new
Yet, unclean
Like things you never said
Rid myself of compliance
Trip on pride
The reliance
Lives only in my head
I walk with denial
As if we never met
Or you never left
Because it kills me
Either way
It fills me
My heart said stay
And then pushed
‘Til blinded
You went away
And I could not see
I was pushing me
Phantom kisses
In deepest sleep
Honest whispers
Memory keep
And silently weep
I never knew
I’d miss you
Until gone
Carefully strong
For far too long
As so forget
We ever met
Walls
For my protection
My predilection
For hurting me
Innocence
Desert completely
And love a joke
Our story’s end
Before you spoke
Though I loved you
At first glance
Unlucky in love
And games of chance
Held dice tightly
I cannot lose
If you don’t fight me
Yes, I choose
Not to play
You should have known
My heart said stay
You should have gambled
Or taken the dice away

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Arms open – I am just one. Many Arms open – we are hope. Help!!

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Watch “Zenkazi – Prayer” on YouTube

Begin Again

The call came early
And, then the news spread
The details still murky
I rushed to her, to truth, to dread
I held her hand, but
My Mother was already dead
An event so cataclysmic
It divided time forever
Into the before and into the after
From the “She loves this”, to
“She would have loved this…”
How can I ever begin again?
At the start of grief
They tiptoe around feelings
I’m quiet, I’m howling in pain
It’s all stares and wariness
Greetings and unsolicited hugs
Stories that just do not ring true
Memories from each point of view
Frustrate me, us…my sisters
We’re abrupt, we get up and walk out
Permitted rudeness in loss
I wish I could tell strangers that’s enough
Please don’t make me begin again
Still
Each morning there is a heartbeat or two of peace
Before loss comes crashing in
With God the thief
Grief is a wave, I am drowning
I cannot begin again
Hours alone in my room,
with you without
I replay every moment of our lives, over and over,
my embittered eyes
I remember my young lies
My pride and my arrogance
The hurt I caused her
The dependence, the worry
The days I didn’t call or say I love her back or I’m sorry
Grief is a wave, I ride the pain
I remember bake sales and family and school
Our house and warmth and encouragement
Togetherness during tragedy
At the centre always Mother
I smile a little, recall her laughter, loud and for all of us
I hear country music and taste Sunday lunch, stretched far as she fed everyone
Her amazing resilience
Her infinite capacity for fun
Hiding behind the wall and sending us to play tok tokkie
Or Who’s the Fairest
I remember her joy as she held her 1st grandson, pure delight in every achievement
Grief is a wave, I begin again
Now, talking is a lot easier
I accept bereavement
Mostly the heaviness is gone
I greet her friends and smile
Sometimes I hum her song
I hear her so clearly,
Its like her essence gifted
I feel her at peace, and so I am lifted
I return to church
I give God my Trust
I’m kinder now, I’m softer too
I’m wiser somehow, at loss too soon
I believe more, I grasp what’s meant
I’m braver, I’m forever grateful
For our time before she went
And, until our forever after
There’ll be days the sun won’t shine
Mountains that I must climb
But, I’ll get through it
I Begin again
And love will do it

#Poetry #BeginAgain
~ ❤
For Nita Prodehl
I love you Mommy

All that I have Held

All that I have held
I hold still
In the heaviness of memory
In the tenderness of tears cried
Or the farewells I did not know,
were the last of a goodbye
I exist still
In the passing of that moment
In the instant of that time
Or in a home that became ashes
Still alive somewhere living that laughter
This Universe holds us carefully
Linear and explosive and calm
All instantaneous
The love, the life, birth and death
And if I’m very quiet
I get to revisit those moments
And if I’m very tired
I get to become one of them

NEVER AGAIN… AND THEN


When it ended
Finally, filled with rage yet quietly
The facts still unfolding long after
His departure
His marriage
His defection
And, I mourned the loss
I counted him among my dead
And permenantly agonized…
Of the years
Of our children
Of our home
But of us, him and I?
I could not conceive love that deep again
Souls melding, spirits soaring and the crash that was bestial, animal and only pain
I waited 10 years…
I failed many times
But never again in love
You see, that has never been allowed
I learned solitude, failure, acceptance
And acknowledged the choice: never love

But you have come
You have kissed my soul
You have made love to me
Until we have both cried
And broken i felt whole
You have spoken your truths beautifully
And I have spoken mine
And our tranquillity after full disclosure
Felt Divine
The quiet kisses and the joyful ones
All end in soft murmurs
And hope, I think for us both
The way you remind me I can play
And that laughter was my 1st language
And how you accept me…
my failures you say are strength
And I said, I love you…
I said the impossible
And in climatic response, the forgotten
You said, I love you, too

Ah but he booby trapped my mentality
He ensured I’d be terrified
And love as I may I cannot believe
And search always what does he hide?
And scream with frustrations
Because you cannot understand
Even innocent manifestation
Means by ommissions you lied
And proof that was not there
I don’t believe you
Not protection, not love
And somehow he is mocking me
So I get to the river
I wash myself clean
I scrub till what’s true
Is all I can see
I write a million words
All about you
I wish dying wishes
All helped by you
I grope in the dark
I send you back your kisses
I cry in the day
I cannot sleep
He won in his way
Please do you see this?

Counted the days
I willed myself mute
I let you go
I slowly dilute
The poison of love
That came back to find me
I will forever
Forever will not be
But I did love again
I could feel
I could transcend
And that was real
I thank you my darling
For showing me this
And though over
You’ve altered my course
My deepest bliss
Will now always be yours

Just A Mother

It was cold

It was dark

It was bitterly cruel

You were fucked up and so lost

So I went to find you

Had some tarp from the good days

From some love that we shared

If you sleep in the wild I’ll hold you tight there

Though you felt alone

And I never blamed you

Though you gnawed at that bone

While you slept, sang a lullaby

From so long ago

While you slept, cried Mother’s tears But you didn’t know

Then you woke from your chrysalis

Stretched your lanky frame

Suicidal ideations asleep once again

When you woke from your broken

Fetched a cigarette to smoke Said, “You’re a terrible Mother”

And I watched you go

It was cold

It was dark

It was bitterly cruel

I was fucked up and so lost

Wished I could go too

Had been marked from no good days

Nor the love we once shared

If i sleep in the wild

Would you hold me tight there

As If life never hurt me

And never left me alone

And I never blamed you

Though I gnaw at that bone

No, I’ve never blamed you

I’m just a woman, weakened alone

No, I’ve always loved you

Though love left me no home

Asleeping

I am not asleep

Just constantly drowsy

I feed my pain

Spit out pills that might fix me

….And in my cotton wool brain

I’m just a monster monstering

All that i failed on display

I’m a green eyed devil

And I want it this way

I count until 40

And those hours laugh

Eyes flicker, but sleep will not come

I’m a monster monstering

All my demons come play

I’m a woman hating

And I like it this way

Save someone worth saving

I will bite your helping hand

Save someone with dreams left

Someone who’ll understand

I lock my door in kindness

The little I have left

Do not look at me with blindness

I was laughing as I wept

Sleep a taunting demon

Just call that exorcist

Leaving The Love Words

These are the last of them

Those words of love

Those come home wishes

Those all undone

This is how I master them

Those lovers who leave

Those promises inside lies

Those humbled by their need

That extraordinary hopefulness

That belief something comes from this

I carry them to graveyards

And there I stopped to dig

I dropped a thousand thousand promises

And that is where they sleep

I build an effigy from stones

With words all broken now

I make believing so impossible

And dance till soaked brow

I do this for my sisters

And for my brothers, too

And if you want to fall in love

Do the doing just for you

If you want to fall in love

Watch the actions, those are true

Mind the words a lover whispers

And if a lie, make sure you knew

Goodbye

This is the last time I will message you

You said it is over

This is the drama i spoke about

All the time defective

And so he showed me lower

And then he showed me spite

He said, ‘I smile….’

He said, ‘I get high.’

He said, ‘Come take a bite…’

He pushed his poison apples,

Dripped in sugar and heat

He closed his eyes and floated,

As his head got way too big

And said, ‘I smile….’

And said, ‘You know I lie.’

He said, ‘Never promised so it’s fine’.

There he sat, offering that apple.

And orgasms galore

‘Believe me once, bite twice… sweet kisses and sugared promises, you will be back for more….’

I never ate that apple

Though I was tired and blind and sore

I never believed the lie

Only felt safe and devine and adored

I never knew he could not love

Yes, I went back for more

I found there is no antidote

Poison will stay poison

He did not need to soak that apple

He sweats it from every pore

But, I never ate his apple

For that I can stand proud

All I did was try to love

A man who cannot turn around

I know he loved me sometimes

I know he was terrified

He knows I know these things

And now he tries to hide

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