Sadness

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Sadness that enters bone
Tissue, sinew and blood
To My soul
Where you Shove
And
Map stars to some other destiny
Tortuous travel unbidden
You leave me, I taste your felony
The melancholy rides
Hard
No sunrise, no moon, no birdsong
Contentment hurries away to hide
Scurries away shadows long
Nothing
Can lift that cloak of damage
I lift chin proudly
“I can manage…”
But, jaw is brick and plaster
Awaiting the moment it shatters
Lips tremble and bite disaster
Until sadness is all that matters
It is all I taste
It is alone
Wherever the place
It is home
Where always I wait
It is you
It is us in our waste
The tears fill and fall
Sadness is me
Now we are no more

I Am

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Truth is I am not right
I make mistakes
Then make it my fight
I have had company
And I’ve been alone
I’ve been homeless
And I’ve had a home
So I keep busy
I make something from nothing
Insomnia makes me dizzy
At the back of my head
Sleep stalks seeking entry
But, you are Always present
Predator cracking mirrors
Self ordained sentry
Soot lashes in slivers
I Frame the things you’ve said
During your stay at Condo Grey
Eviction “Get the Fuck outta my head!”~ Ignored, you dutifully stay
Surviving and reportedly fine
Most of the time, but
I am your bruised cheeks
I am your tenderness
I am your electric noise
I am your bad choice boys
And I am our silence
I am the fallen blade
I am your Sunday high
I am every Fuck you gave
I am your baby’s sigh
I am every goodbye
I am you almost brave
I am you insane
There is no formula
I cannot calculate, or
Define denied development
That Loves as it gives up
I am my Yan & my Yin
I forever thirst
That Cursed burst cup
Give up before I begin
I release before I catch
Teardrops grin in pain
Iridescent
I gratefully light this match
And I ~ Burn burn burn
Until
I am your laughter
I am your breath
I am your freedom
I am our death

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It Kills Me

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3 perfect scratches
Not made by me
And it kills me
It’s all I see
2 perfect catches
I wish I’d never caught
The lie is comfortable
Though illusion was taught
Reality is I know more about you
By what you don’t say
By what you don’t choose
And even used
At the end of the day
I am content
I am comfortably bent
Yes it kills me
You are all I can see
Your love fills me
And I despise my need
My love kills me
You are the best I’ll ever be…

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Animal is Female – Did you know?

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Change is coming
It rides without mercy
Like apocalyptic horses
Foaming with surety
I’ll be running
I’ll be turning
Always
I welcome the hurting
I usher in the night .
This cataclysmic burning
Breathed deeply
Finally I am learning
Even a tamed dog
Can incite her Master
You didn’t spare the rod
And now I come faster
I bite the hand that strikes
And; growl my laughter

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I Am Here

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If I could only sleep, I think it would all go away. The reruns and the constant self-flaying bullshit – until all my head is, is cotton wool and storm drains; ebbing always away and into nothing. So that I am nothing – only a vast ocean of my bad choices and guilt. And really, how else are we supposed to live, if not to acknowledge our misdeeds and the fault lines that lay within all of us? To pick at it until it explodes? See how much pressure it can take… realistically.
Emotional pressure points – God only knows until we do too, and fuck up anew.

I watched a movie based on a novel by Stephen Elliot, it has the lines: “Validation is a helluva thing..” and he answers “The truth is fucked up”. And that’s my entire life in two sentences – I’m constantly trying to validate what I’ve already fucked up, and continue to fuck up on a daily basis. Because I cannot sleep so I cannot process so I cannot heal or find the sense in my actions.
Mostly though, it’s just me; inside my head, berating myself on every level. And let’s face it, who would want that kinda shit as a daily cheerleader? Bound to get tangled inside of words and actions and dreams and disillusionment that just go nowhere. Except, here. I am here.

Wide awake and terrorised by my own thoughts. My imagination is a scarey and wondrous place.
I would prefer not to live there.

But, I do.
I am.
I am here.

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