God Blinks An Eye

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We are told to continue to pray, with Faith and to believe. That God does things for His reasons and answers prayers in His time. Then, too, we are told that our lives are a blink of His eye. Did you Blink God and not hear me? Did I disappoint You so badly that you cannot bear to hear me, my sobs, my anguish, my loss and my helplessness – did it extend to nonchalance at the gritty hurt of insecurity, pain & homelessness?

I can remember that the only things I was sure I wanted in this life: a home for myself and my kids, somewhere safe and where nobody could make me go, finally secure. Where I’d cook and clean and welcome my family in from the world outside and we would share togetherness.

This never happened. Instead we were pushed to sleeping in parks, on pavements, dirty and unkempt, losing everything, losing dignity, losing hope. Still, I prayed. You know I did.

The only other thing I ever wanted was to feel and believe that I was loved. Perhaps a man who showed with actions not just words, that leaving me was not an option. Obviously, I can never believe that now and I accepted a long time ago that to be alone and single is my preference – I just do not believe this is possible. Anyone willing to love me would need to love my broken children – and I will never accept that such a man exists.

Failing all that, the love of my children would have (should) sufficed; fill some void and that would be enough. This, too, has never happened. They love me because they have to, but there is no intensity of emotion or loyalty toward me. I’m just the person who carries the blame and broke everything further.

I cannot remember ever not trying. Not doing all I can for them. Bargaining, hospitals, courts, clothes, food, work and more work. Beaten to save them from being beaten. Weak in so many ways that the guilt lives inside of me.

I no longer try. I will run only if I have absolutely no choice. I will walk away when disrespected. I will accept my failures and my inability to “fix”. I stay without food and I stay inside an ailing body. I cannot care anymore.  And, still I do not hear God. That kills me the most. I am not waiting for “breakthrough” and promises of “Amens” for money are just offensive – wise up!

I will wake up (on any given day) and I will find laughter or I will remain sad, with my reminiscences of love, those I loved and lost to death or betrayal. It is okay, either way. I do not expect miracles because we squander them – they are tiny feet, rainbows, a people united by thousands in solidarity against war or injustice, forgiveness, orgasms, hugs, a homeless person sharing his last food,  We, the blind, we, the deaf – praying praying praying – while God safely blinks an eye…Because He already gifted us our miracles. I am positive he hoped Humanity would not squander them.

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Benevolent

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I feel wronged
And, I have wronged you, too
Me ~ Taken advantage of
Chewed and spat out
Not to their liking
A touch too exotic
A touch too bothersome
And, so easy to let go
Scapegoat ~ easily nothing beneath their feet
This flesh aged by No
These wrinkles my severance
Those punches came as handshakes
They came to inspire
Then when I dared disagree
They came harder and higher
Little educated bites of shame
So, when I shut my mouth
When with quiet dignity took blame
While they wore suits…
and brandished their big names
In court rooms
And boardrooms
And bedrooms
I betrayed you, Women
I could not stay you
Now you hate me
This disillusion filled spite monger
because I dare You,
Stand!
As I could not
Speak!
Shout the Freedom I won for you
Rage the injustice
Those hushed orders issued
After long days in pseudo gratitude ~ Gone!
For a wage that fed
For the family you’d tend
While the soul ran red
For fist slammed on desk
…to show authority
For his shouted superiority
Whose?
No quiet acceptance
No more
No nodding, no agreeing
Yes, it is our benevolent light…
And; I say:
Fight for your voice
Raise it
For your fortitude
You made it
For your daughter
So save her
Fight for yourself
Fight before God
Fight for what is right
Or, all you have is the start
of ĺittle deaths, over and over
…then debilitating ones ~
…then Hope dies &
when that goes, fall…

…as fight l🌹eaves the soul
And then…too late.
Because child; you are Me…
And, We
And fight fears night
The righteousness silenced
By too many swallowed words
By the quietness of violence
And; ultimately our God betrayed
Women ~ We have always prayed
Stand Tall, Speak Loudly, Defended
We are glorious, we are as God Intended

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Your pills, not mine

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Distant now
My hopeful childhood steps
Before
Hours embraced days
Those Dark Days that chased weeks
And weeks that seduced years
The only constant that quiet ticking
The seconds most sure of their importance
These catastrophes they’ve brought us
or laughter from the belly up
…..and out into the world
Unhinged euphoria!
Before sadness and happiness
Felt symbiotically within hours ~ could not coexist….
Doctor’s script
And, so labelled: My impossible ~ Bipolar or Manic
Given pills to remedy
Told, “Hold her steady…”
For a madness that was quite ordinary ~ ¿
Exhilarating voracious wonder ~ Gone
You broke me, that’s how you won.

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