Hushed Voices
In the next room
rise and fall,
though words sound small
The end too soon
Tries to recall
An opening, a ridge, a view
To a beginning
Converse spinning
A coping, a bridge, when new
Hushed Voices
In the next room
Mine urgent, pleading
Yours distant, misleading
Become loud voices
The end too soon
Become loud choices
As I leave the room


I Am Here



If I could only sleep, I think it would all go away. The reruns and the constant self-flaying bullshit – until all my head is, is cotton wool and storm drains; ebbing always away and into nothing. So that I am nothing – only a vast ocean of my bad choices and guilt. And really, how else are we supposed to live, if not to acknowledge our misdeeds and the fault lines that lay within all of us? To pick at it until it explodes? See how much pressure it can take… realistically.
Emotional pressure points – God only knows until we do too, and fuck up anew.

I watched a movie based on a novel by Stephen Elliot, it has the lines: “Validation is a helluva thing..” and he answers “The truth is fucked up”. And that’s my entire life in two sentences – I’m constantly trying to validate what I’ve already fucked up, and continue to fuck up on a daily basis. Because I cannot sleep so I cannot process so I cannot heal or find the sense in my actions.
Mostly though, it’s just me; inside my head, berating myself on every level. And let’s face it, who would want that kinda shit as a daily cheerleader? Bound to get tangled inside of words and actions and dreams and disillusionment that just go nowhere. Except, here. I am here.

Wide awake and terrorised by my own thoughts. My imagination is a scarey and wondrous place.
I would prefer not to live there.

But, I do.
I am.
I am here.


The Universe

The Universe has mothered me,
used me, tested me, orphaned
me, disappointed me, helped me grow and appreciate, taught me about
loss, hurt me, exalted me,
shown me people who are
precious and those who are
cruel. I’ve lived, facilitated,
worked, learned, delighted in wondrous things, nurtured,
listened and hidden away. I’ve
fought demons and been
embraced by Angels. Now I’m
awake again. The Universe will
notice and It will call upon me..
My heart is tender, my No
louder, my Yes Prouder. Here I
am: Alive. Bless Me!

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001


There is a prayer
Rattling bones in my head
It leaves my mouth
With no word said
The prayer begins
It will not end
Until I’ve saved all my dead
It shakes me in night
It breaks me by day
These words to God
A Repeated litany I pray
They seal my fate
And Bless my say
I didn’t watch you leave
I didn’t say goodbye
I state staccato irate
I only wished you could stay
And if there was failure
It was only mine
The truth believed
And so in my own way
Control released
Blessings inordinate
The words form clearer
As they formulate
My goal is nearer
Those bones in my head
No longer suffocate
I have always known
This strength in my being
The quiet was necessary
For me to be clean
Penance not ordinary
I no longer atone
Absolution heady
The past not my home
My voice does not quiver
My hand is steady
My voice carries far
My soul stands ready
A prayer this powerful
Left my mouth today
I am no longer doubtful
I gain in self as I pray
It went straight to Heaven
Found where you are
Beyond and resting peacefully
To realize I’ve been repeating
The very prayers
That you’ve been praying
For me

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Trees don’t know the wind by name
Only by soft or wild caresses
And lullabys don’t know their author
They become history just the same
Trees dance unasked
They bask in sunshine or rain
And songs are sung
They reassure, and they remain
Even if the origin a mystery
So we put to slumber
As we ourselves once were
While trees endure thunder
And grow despite fire
Become strong rooted and new
Both touch hearts, inspire
The words form foundation
Of a truth we always knew
While God reveals His creation
As both the reason and the strength
The art of words, so powerful
Saturation of a soul filled
With beauty and sleepy lines
Distant wind chimes of childhood safety
And so find rest, infinite times
A voice that carries through eternity
Knowledge that our bonds hold
Pure belief
In magic
And Fairytales
As they enfold
Count not the tragic
Power in simple things
The love been human brings
Your remembered warm breath soothes
A long ago innocent child believes
A magic that’s retained
Far beyond adult stains
As long as my heart can retrieve
As long as my mind can conceive
You will be the magic in my dreams

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Tears are Fine

For so long
Eyes too dry
I thought I’m strong
Didn’t know
I had nowhere to go
The betrayal new
Then I lost you, too
Found the tears I cry
Can fill an ocean
I thought that’s just
An expression
No, for me
A confession
I hide inside
Under depression
Search for sleep
What was the lesson
This eats my need
I search for you
What didn’t I do
Search for a potion
Apportion, caution
There is none
There is no blame
You are gone
I am not the same
Your end a new start
Pain sharpens my beating heart
Like pencil shards a sharpener discards
Left behind
Tears scream
Pain moves
Inside, outside
But, blindsided
As worlds collided
And I’ve decided
These tears are fine
I may heal in time
But, for now
Remain asking how
In chain, bondage
I’m lost, its allowed
And tears are fine
If I can’t stop crying
For now, let me be
Alone in this place
Where God sees all
Grace combining
Living do the dying
A tiny piece a day
Living do the living
The dead never go away

Never Forgotten:
by Morteque on deviantART

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I walk these paths of life
Thistle entwine
Ensnare combine
To trip me
To hold me down
Reminds me to atone
While my heart beats
While these busy streets
Do not touch me
Even if memory
Is nevermore
Sacristy, that Holy border
That I cannot cross
As I lick my wounds
In some God forsaken corner
In remembrance
Bravely forge new paths
This absence of home
Leaves me breathless
As I climb unenlightened
By loss still too new
I dial
Still hoping
It isn’t true
That you haven’t gone
That you quietly wait
While I come to you
The path to your door
Is nevermore
I climb in vain
Without you
The journey changed
That worn pathway ignored
A lone traveler
Seeking your door
It is nevermore
There are no arms to greet
Mutely weak
Many words hurt
So I don’t speak
While in my head
I see your face
I imagine grace
And I hear your words
Where wisdom has led
Of binding cords
This nevermore
I pray because
I steer this course
In hope always
But sorrow remains
Your smiling eyes
I feel you still
And wish for clarity
Our precious time
Is gone for eternity
I stay on, I walk
It seems no end
In sight or around
These twisted turns
Leave you unfound
Somehow I follow
I’m back at start
Only now hurtful hollow
At nevermore
Where I’ll be tomorrow
It is a circle
I realize that
I won’t say goodbye
Though you can’t come back
I wait in mists
Until I see you again
I speak to you
My best friend
If answers are too slow
I understand
Time does not exist
I will persist
Search for the door
To Nevermore
If I am still
And await nevermore
It will be back
I must wait
With definitive patience
My Heart never the same
Until we meet again
At Forevermore

Edgar Allan Poe – The Raven
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

At no time did Poe’s Nevermore cross my mind while writing this poem.

Thanks, Louise

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Thank You, Love Always

Dear Ex

As I heal I am able to let some hurts go, while some wonderful memories filter through. I find I am able to smile and wish you well. This is not something that has been easy for me in the past. I’ve held onto anger and hurt myself in the process. I find that, when I take time to look around me…….there are pieces of you everywhere. Yes, I miss you in those times. The impact you had in 3 short and very long years will echo on in me until I leave this earth. The deepest hurt you caused simply because I believed in you so much, it seemed the harshest betrayal of all.

I have accepted that you’ve moved on, but I wish I could tell you all the ways that you changed me for the better. Our time together will always be precious to me. A great pity that immense maturity is often only achieved after awful pain (and furious writing). I will love you in my own way, always. The mostest. Be happy. Be well. And…..thank you. For the music and the support. You made me strong enough to cope with the utter devastation I experienced in your absence.

Because of you I still hope……You showed me rainbows,


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In Dreams

Vivid these people & places
Where I’ve been
That I’ve seen
While I slept
And on awakening
I long to get
Lost babies and toddlers
Mothers gone
But mine alive
In my alternate Universe
Where you survived
Where the water is crisp
And Winter has not come
My son speaks
Adorable lisp
And I have someone
And I’m gifted things
Awake imagination
Can’t contemplate
Oh how I hate
Been taken away
From the sleep state
Where I get
To see you
And share magic
Of meeting myself
At 21
And, my photo taken
Gorgeous baskets
Of delight
That I brought home
To you
And you were happy
Still your favorite
That alternate me
Is doing what I should
I’m so reassured I could
Even if not here
Even if not real
It is solid enough
Thank you
For letting me see you
& Me
In a place
Where we are happy

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1, 2 Skip a Few ~ 99, 100

1, 2 skip a few 99..100

I wrote furiously;
Taking back my words
Each sentence a nail in love coffin
I took you seriously,
Though now it seems absurd to me
Yearning woman tried love
Once too often
You said I was all your plans
You said you wouldn’t hurt,
no matter my demands,
you’d never do me dirt…
You said you understood
And even broken you’d stick around
You promised to protect
Yet; somehow let me down
I said you are my last
I wouldn’t take another
That my heartache would feed my need and lead for me to smother
I couldn’t accept your love
But; insistent you became
In game you climbed floors & walls & thorns — to get to me;
To set me free and let me be……
Seemed you tried so hard,
So yes, I gave my heart.
My words, devotion ~ total trust
You said; ‘It’s ok; it’s for both of us’.
Now, I find I’m alone at night
When love’s day is done..
And sky my only light
Extinguished; Relinquished
Stupidly I perceive
Now, you’re gone forever, lies so
ill conceived
Bereaved, my heart; so close
Lose key, or persuasion in
Mourning’s rose
Lose me, to salvation; to my
Last Rope….
Forever after, now I’m my only
One word deleted, becomes a thousand
And, that is how I’ll cope….

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