God Blinks An Eye

FB_IMG_1483085722343.jpg

We are told to continue to pray, with Faith and to believe. That God does things for His reasons and answers prayers in His time. Then, too, we are told that our lives are a blink of His eye. Did you Blink God and not hear me? Did I disappoint You so badly that you cannot bear to hear me, my sobs, my anguish, my loss and my helplessness – did it extend to nonchalance at the gritty hurt of insecurity, pain & homelessness?

I can remember that the only things I was sure I wanted in this life: a home for myself and my kids, somewhere safe and where nobody could make me go, finally secure. Where I’d cook and clean and welcome my family in from the world outside and we would share togetherness.

This never happened. Instead we were pushed to sleeping in parks, on pavements, dirty and unkempt, losing everything, losing dignity, losing hope. Still, I prayed. You know I did.

The only other thing I ever wanted was to feel and believe that I was loved. Perhaps a man who showed with actions not just words, that leaving me was not an option. Obviously, I can never believe that now and I accepted a long time ago that to be alone and single is my preference – I just do not believe this is possible. Anyone willing to love me would need to love my broken children – and I will never accept that such a man exists.

Failing all that, the love of my children would have (should) sufficed; fill some void and that would be enough. This, too, has never happened. They love me because they have to, but there is no intensity of emotion or loyalty toward me. I’m just the person who carries the blame and broke everything further.

I cannot remember ever not trying. Not doing all I can for them. Bargaining, hospitals, courts, clothes, food, work and more work. Beaten to save them from being beaten. Weak in so many ways that the guilt lives inside of me.

I no longer try. I will run only if I have absolutely no choice. I will walk away when disrespected. I will accept my failures and my inability to “fix”. I stay without food and I stay inside an ailing body. I cannot care anymore.  And, still I do not hear God. That kills me the most. I am not waiting for “breakthrough” and promises of “Amens” for money are just offensive – wise up!

I will wake up (on any given day) and I will find laughter or I will remain sad, with my reminiscences of love, those I loved and lost to death or betrayal. It is okay, either way. I do not expect miracles because we squander them – they are tiny feet, rainbows, a people united by thousands in solidarity against war or injustice, forgiveness, orgasms, hugs, a homeless person sharing his last food,  We, the blind, we, the deaf – praying praying praying – while God safely blinks an eye…Because He already gifted us our miracles. I am positive he hoped Humanity would not squander them.

Moonbeam

fb_img_1456000359799

It’s a sad sad lullaby
And baby’s already dead
It’s a sad sad goodbye
When we put love to bed

And moon crescent, wane grow full
We stand in winter light
We hold on tightly still
To moonbeams that crash and spill
When Jack kicks Jill – down that hill

Into rose garden
Into forest green
Into love forgotten
Where pain rules supreme

Moonbeam……
Where do you lead?
Your light that flickers, bedside bleed
Rose pricks, forest lost –
Fairytale disaster
Happy ever after
To storybook lie, happily denied

Faerie princess, take moonbeam ride
Come home soon
I’ll wait though I’m tired

 

For Kayleah

I think of you

I think of you
When the night is quiet
And winter steals light early
And Fathers are home
Rushing from work seeking refuge
In pots of curry or split pea soup
I think of you
When Mothers shout supper time
And children end street soccer
And run to welcoming homes
Hot baths and scrubbed cheeks
And checked homework
Where homes house Gran and Grandpa
Enfolded with love and Security
I think of you
When the seas high tide brings
Sea weed, debris and salted water
The aroma carries me
Knowing Summer’s promise waits once again
Beyond claimed sandy footprints, or
The “I love you” etched in sand
When I lived happiness
When you held my hand
I think of you
When my heart is breaking
And Winter is endless
Iced over rapture and hope
I think of you
I do
I think of you
And I choke

All Intention

image

I thought
She cannot be happy
She has my Love
And he has my heart
And wherever they may be
There will always be three
Closer to my flesh
For an age we remained
Closer to choice
Then no longer the same
Wife and kids
In a brand new frame
My stronger voice
Confidently forgives
But, I cannot reconcile
The you you are
Without me and child
The time we had
And now the time apart
It does not hurt
Not anymore
The man I loved
Gone years before
He, who had my heart
No longer exists
It’s me beyond any pain
It’s me who permits
New patient plans
Or cessation of thought
Loss forgets to mention
That amongst things taught
You have your new life
But
I have found redemption

image

Betrayal

My convictions stand
No less important than yours
So how can you say
That your way…..
Is the only way?
When I state the same
And when I speak your name
Love and Hate still entwined
The work that’s been done
That’s all mine
An apology from you……to me
Remind me of just one?!
I remember your offer
I respected her, I said no
Because I knew she’s where you’d go
And your unfaithful fingers
Would leave me sadder
On the day I said goodbye to my Mom
I guess that’s your double standard
I guess it is your justification
Still so underhanded
You didn’t offer sex
So to you, it doesn’t count
I count an infinite amount
Of indiscretions
And evaded questions
You could not simply support
Without some self-gratification

Years on and I am still alone
I rebuilt what you burned
I made many new homes
No conversations
With a child so lost
So I picked up the slack
You get her back
I get her tears
Even after all these years
To me……
Its just another betrayal
Yes, I am pale
I lock myself in
I don’t allow you
Even one of my tears
To me you are
Every one of my fears
A liar hiding behind prayer
You can convince yourself
That I’m not alone
That I was a dream
And forgiveness has made you clean
I am living my repentance
So I can compare
You will Hear your Sentence
When your Craven heart does dare
And admits to every offense
When realization lends
The wisdom of once true friends
Your sins will follow
No matter where you make your home
Yours prayers are hollow
Because you won’t learn to atone

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

I got Two (Part Two)

In a word Daddy
The longing in a little boy’s eyes
Even when blood flew
God, how that boy loved you
That love became his cries
The day he became wise
Still I couldn’t match his surprise
As I watched you watch him bleed
Longing finally freed
From a Dad he refused to need

In a word Mommy
Now grown, now woman
She can be kind,
She says, “Mom….you’re only human!”
Yet, takes my lessons
Throws them away
She is my quintessence
She is beauty, she still doesn’t know it
She speaks with an ugliness
I don’t recognize
Yes – I guess she too became wise.

Man Child that has grown tall, hard
He needs nothing
All I see is my baby boy
His words now shards of pain
Tortuous, they end me, again and again

I don’t know, I don’t know

Tough sensitivity
He owes me nothing
I hope, I only hope..always
I’ve loved him
Hope he knows
I’d take a bullet for him

I don’t know, I don’t know

Beat down hard so long
Now fighting back she’s learning how
I hope, I only hope, she knows
Always I have given support
I would take any blow for her
I’d bleed my own wounds
Tear them open…..
Please God gift Your Grace for her

I am nothing, I have failed
I wish I knew more
I wish I believed
I didn’t know, I didn’t know
That I have failed you
I know
You must know, you must know
That was never my intent
And now I carry longing
For time wasted
On You
I want it back
Let me create it
From scratch
I’d do so much better
Now I know there’s a catch
At 17 I wanted out
They said, “You are a walking miracle!”
I saw no miracle
Until I saw faces……
Tiny fingers, tiny toes – that I created
And I held them
And loved like no other
And earned the accolade – Mother
And now that we reach nurture’s end
They even call me friend
Though, I tire quickly these days
I forget words and remember love
I remember home and that I am alone
And……we can never go back
It is destroyed
In war and attack – your tactic
Even with your entire arsenal deployed
And the blinded hate of a fanatic
I am victorious
Motherhood may Hurt
But it is Glorious

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

I got Two (Part One)

One year
Turned to two
I don’t feel
Any more lonely
Than when I belonged
To you
One lie
Turned to two
I already knew
My mistake
So the joke was on you
My heartache
For Love’s sake
One child
Then I had two
Difficulty level grew
Incrementally insane
I drowned as I
Tried to fix the broken
But, still I got the blame

You got to start over
You forgot us
Even though you’re newly sober
I learned not to hope
You can’t be a Father
If you leave me
Hanging on the rope
Not committed
So I admit it
I was so cheated
You win
For a time…
I was defeated

I asked: Tell me how
You crush the seeds you seeded
I asked: How do you
Make promises, then leave them
Said I will be Daddy
Gave what they needed
Not gifts your God gave to you
As
Surely your God knew
What would hold true
Because still
He gifted me two
Souls to nurture, grow, heal
Underneath
I accepted, resigned sadly
I was teacher
You did it so badly
You are a sad preacher
So, I did the work
Promised I’d grow
Up
Be
Grown
Up
I became two
Did the best I could do
Despite the absence of you
If I have failed
That’s alright
I didn’t bail
I stayed to fight
Even in ignorance of the full scale
I was steady
I was there every night
I was ready
I gave them my life

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

You Broke It

Instead of pulling together
we pulled apart
Take hold of the string
unravel my heart
No family dinners
no talks about school
No dreams we share
it’s all about you
I take you, I please you
then wish you well
I wonder, I whisper
Is this my hell?
Forever or never
too late for what ifs
It’s broken, you broke it
I cannot forgive
Say sorry, choke on it
Like bile, our last kiss
Our home gone forever
only you I don’t miss
The laughter – our children
And me stupid proud
A lightning bolt moment
Alone in the crowd

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

In Dreams

Vivid these people & places
Where I’ve been
That I’ve seen
While I slept
And on awakening
I long to get
Back
Lost babies and toddlers
Mothers gone
But mine alive
In my alternate Universe
Where you survived
Where the water is crisp
Blue
And Winter has not come
My son speaks
Adorable lisp
And I have someone
Close
And I’m gifted things
Awake imagination
Can’t contemplate
Oh how I hate
Been taken away
From the sleep state
Where I get
To see you
And share magic
Of meeting myself
Again
At 21
And, my photo taken
Gorgeous baskets
Of delight
That I brought home
To you
And you were happy
Sandalwood
Still your favorite
That alternate me
Is doing what I should
I’m so reassured I could
Even if not here
Even if not real
It is solid enough
Thank you
For letting me see you
& Me
In a place
Where we are happy

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

Prescience

I do not welcome your prescience
In my dreams
And in my shadow
My love for you is binding
I am forever your child
You gave me life
And when They thought me ready
They took, You went – You left
They lied, though
Your leaving left me steady
You need not worry now
I aim to let you go
You need not ever be sorry
Somehow, Your love stays whole
And I imagine it enfold
As you come in from the cold
That’s One day……..
But for Now…..
When I awake from slumber
And I have left you there
It is a waking nightmare
And one that can’t compare
It is your loss again and again
I love you, but that’s not fair
Acceptance hasn’t happened
It is more than I can achieve
And tricks still trick my mind
As a part of me does believe
In Gods who can be kind
Oh, sleepy eyes of loss
Gritty with every turn and toss
And dreams that follow to light
In the democracy of night
I am a residual hollow
You are my need to know
I promise I will follow
For now please let me go

Picture Courtesy of donmalo
Graveyard
donmalo.deviantart.com

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

Previous Older Entries