Gauranda

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Benevolent

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I feel wronged
And, I have wronged you, too
Me ~ Taken advantage of
Chewed and spat out
Not to their liking
A touch too exotic
A touch too bothersome
And, so easy to let go
Scapegoat ~ easily nothing beneath their feet
This flesh aged by No
These wrinkles my severance
Those punches came as handshakes
They came to inspire
Then when I dared disagree
They came harder and higher
Little educated bites of shame
So, when I shut my mouth
When with quiet dignity took blame
While they wore suits…
and brandished their big names
In court rooms
And boardrooms
And bedrooms
I betrayed you, Women
I could not stay you
Now you hate me
This disillusion filled spite monger
because I dare You,
Stand!
As I could not
Speak!
Shout the Freedom I won for you
Rage the injustice
Those hushed orders issued
After long days in pseudo gratitude ~ Gone!
For a wage that fed
For the family you’d tend
While the soul ran red
For fist slammed on desk
…to show authority
For his shouted superiority
Whose?
No quiet acceptance
No more
No nodding, no agreeing
Yes, it is our benevolent light…
And; I say:
Fight for your voice
Raise it
For your fortitude
You made it
For your daughter
So save her
Fight for yourself
Fight before God
Fight for what is right
Or, all you have is the start
of ĺittle deaths, over and over
…then debilitating ones ~
…then Hope dies &
when that goes, fall…

…as fight l🌹eaves the soul
And then…too late.
Because child; you are Me…
And, We
And fight fears night
The righteousness silenced
By too many swallowed words
By the quietness of violence
And; ultimately our God betrayed
Women ~ We have always prayed
Stand Tall, Speak Loudly, Defended
We are glorious, we are as God Intended

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Your pills, not mine

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Distant now
My hopeful childhood steps
Before
Hours embraced days
Those Dark Days that chased weeks
And weeks that seduced years
The only constant that quiet ticking
The seconds most sure of their importance
These catastrophes they’ve brought us
or laughter from the belly up
…..and out into the world
Unhinged euphoria!
Before sadness and happiness
Felt symbiotically within hours ~ could not coexist….
Doctor’s script
And, so labelled: My impossible ~ Bipolar or Manic
Given pills to remedy
Told, “Hold her steady…”
For a madness that was quite ordinary ~ ¿
Exhilarating voracious wonder ~ Gone
You broke me, that’s how you won.

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A Soldier’s Birthday

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4am – I guess I’m a day older
Don’t know when
But somehow I’ve folded
When I’m stopped
When I’m locked
In awkward conversation
Why didn’t I turn out amazing
Like they predicted
Instead, I Became afflicted
With the business of life
Became addicted
To a man as his wife
Left success
Left a mess
I can’t fathom a guess
Of my 1st wrong turn
or that worm of concern
Wriggling, In my grave
At the age
At that stage
When I should have been glorious
Or of Shaken fist
victorious
Instead, I ran to hide
And life locked me inside
A vice like grip
or a banged up lip
And my pride stripped
When strength tripped
And I fell once too much
But, I’ve felt the heat
Of the Queen’s seat
I may not be all I wished
With certainty failed
But, Despite all of this
I Remember this detail
The Crown was never mine
I’m doing just fine
If that clock strikes 12
There’s nowhere I need to be
God made only one of me
And then He broke the mold
Predictions are nothing
Just Gambling at a race
I could change many things
But;
Not that look upon your face
Come close, as I whisper
Yes, I guess I’m a day older
I am no Queen, never been

Instead, you made me Soldier

Hindsight is 20/20

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I wrote a hundred words for breakfast
Prettied my heart on a plate
You declined it,
So many times more
Quick to anger and complicate
But that’s before
A lifetime ago,
Whatever, now, you think you know
I’ll deny that I kept score
I’ve learned to let go of hate
Only I regret I wasted wishes
On a love devoid of kisses
Though I may revert
When I sit alone to greet the dawn
My memories do not hurt
My heart and mind do reconcile
Like my glasses upon the bed
Moments gone now forever
And years washed from my lifeline
When eyes had no need for forever
When with no difficulty
I could read every line
A bill, a poem or a letter
With clarity now, is how I see
Grateful tears hastened maturity
When you began to forget me
Now the poems that I write
Are for me, are of night
Or;
Of sunshine and light
And the days that I am alone?
These, they are my relief,
They say hindsight is 20/20
I guess that’s also my belief
My vision somehow is complete
Is of time, mind and heart
I am not opposed,
As the story goes
Of these things that make up sight
In acceptance comes a beauty
And, I am seldom now contrite
I have done my duty,
I have lived the gift of my life

Forgetting

rake torn bitten nails 
Down lonely hollow spine
I raise perfect sails
I am poised for the climb 
I whisper to nobody
While I kiss you goodbye 
On your forehead 
As if you were friend
And I prepare the descent
Because you were never mine
Not even to hold one more time
Though rolling clouds sweep Cobwebs of pale blue skies
I am sadly reluctant to release 
I am my pale cheeks 
Streaked ashen with memory
while I…..
Slip into comfortable forgetting 
Slip into the deepest blue
Slip into night less moon light 
Slip into day less you.
Slip into something true
Slip into what was said 
Slip into somewhere different 
Try anything 
Because without you
I’m slipping away instead 



















I think of you

I think of you
When the night is quiet
And winter steals light early
And Fathers are home
Rushing from work seeking refuge
In pots of curry or split pea soup
I think of you
When Mothers shout supper time
And children end street soccer
And run to welcoming homes
Hot baths and scrubbed cheeks
And checked homework
Where homes house Gran and Grandpa
Enfolded with love and Security
I think of you
When the seas high tide brings
Sea weed, debris and salted water
The aroma carries me
Knowing Summer’s promise waits once again
Beyond claimed sandy footprints, or
The “I love you” etched in sand
When I lived happiness
When you held my hand
I think of you
When my heart is breaking
And Winter is endless
Iced over rapture and hope
I think of you
I do
I think of you
And I choke

Sadness

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Sadness that enters bone
Tissue, sinew and blood
To My soul
Where you Shove
And
Map stars to some other destiny
Tortuous travel unbidden
You leave me, I taste your felony
The melancholy rides
Hard
No sunrise, no moon, no birdsong
Contentment hurries away to hide
Scurries away shadows long
Nothing
Can lift that cloak of damage
I lift chin proudly
“I can manage…”
But, jaw is brick and plaster
Awaiting the moment it shatters
Lips tremble and bite disaster
Until sadness is all that matters
It is all I taste
It is alone
Wherever the place
It is home
Where always I wait
It is you
It is us in our waste
The tears fill and fall
Sadness is me
Now we are no more

It Kills Me

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3 perfect scratches
Not made by me
And it kills me
It’s all I see
2 perfect catches
I wish I’d never caught
The lie is comfortable
Though illusion was taught
Reality is I know more about you
By what you don’t say
By what you don’t choose
And even used
At the end of the day
I am content
I am comfortably bent
Yes it kills me
You are all I can see
Your love fills me
And I despise my need
My love kills me
You are the best I’ll ever be…

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Animal is Female – Did you know?

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Change is coming
It rides without mercy
Like apocalyptic horses
Foaming with surety
I’ll be running
I’ll be turning
Always
I welcome the hurting
I usher in the night .
This cataclysmic burning
Breathed deeply
Finally I am learning
Even a tamed dog
Can incite her Master
You didn’t spare the rod
And now I come faster
I bite the hand that strikes
And; growl my laughter

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