Touching Magic

I am not of this world
My fists unfurl
And nights hold wonder
I am not of this world
I cannot hold anger
I cannot linger
Any longer
Than necessary
By the beauty of beat
Under my feet
I move above the ground
Though searched
And never found
A promised love
By these people I meet
In and out the street
Where I grew up
I confess
Even with little magic
Even with a God
Who does not answer
I believe
Sight only imagined
But, I’ve felt His hand
In words I speak
I am crushed
Huge banners and purity peak
Still enchanted
By this hope in me
I wish too loudly
And it broke free
I let it be
and still sigh at a moon full
Cry when my womb died
When I loved too soon
And had to release
Enchanted, perhaps
A bit less so
Now that I know
that magic is old
It has no boundary
Except those we seek
I close my eyes
Enchanted, ancient
These arms too patient
And at crossroads
As the blood flows
And the land snows
Me in, me out, me under
Above the cords of thunder
Enchanted, remain
With me forever
This is a stain
A type of love and lover
I am not of this world
If with this love I cover
Your every sin and blunder
By the time
I was here
You were near
My dance partner
Bare footed and protected
By magic and ever after




I should pretend
Pretty in lipstick & rouge
I said
It doesn’t matter to me
And you are excused
I cannot love you
I floundered – did some crazy shit
When I was waking up
And, I did not realise it
Growth in crazy stops & starts
Made me bolder
Careless with others hearts
Selfish after selflessness
An adjustment I still welcome
After too many lonely nights
Bad luck cornered denied sun
Made me colder
Until Summer just a euphemism
For feeling warm
And satisfaction no surfeit
In a morsel of bread
In never feeling fed
Made me lonelier
Than an empty bed
Anywhere to lay my head
For a time
Longing for a home
That died in that flood
When the storm shook me
And forsaken all, freed me
Took everyone left to need me
When even God believed
And gave me legs that walk
And eyes to see
And a mouth that could talk
If only
To take me
If only
To teach me
To stay
Some lessons
Not meant
To be learned
This way
But, it matters
And you have no right
To love me
If intention only a minute
It matters you know I’m right

I matter ~
And I am worth the fight

The Battle is Real


The wind carried a stench
Charred meat turned
My heart you would not eat
Salty air lingers
Caresses my cheek
I cannot move
Zombie eyes and fingers
Heat that puts me to sleep
Of words I cannot speak
The distant death bell clatters
I am not my intention
The outcome is all that matters
Sporadic giggle in hyena vowels
Of love I could not save
Drill the path to hellish bowels
Acidic turned sacred mountain
Beneath an ancient dust
Yet ~ Move my feet I must
Numb with disbelief

A type of Happiness


I have no secrets, he said
And turned his head
I have the type of honesty
That ensures hurting
I have the type of face
That says hit, I won’t hit back
I caught his eye
I understood the liar
I accepted what I saw
Naked need stripped raw
So Forgive me, I touched fire
There is strength in weakness
In acknowledging your truth
In a quiet storm
That rushes the trees
And abates when they are torn
If you understand rain
And love it anyway
If you accept that pain
Cannot win and cannot stay
You learn to live the moment
You learn to abide the lie
You learn to dwell in happiness
And not to question why

I’ve got this


These strangers who touch me‎
Who wash me clean, gritty and shiny‎‎
I am not less without you guiding me ‎
I heard myself say,
“‎I‎ don’t mind the pain,‎
It’s the hope that kills me‎
‎…again and again “‎
I recognized truth‎
I didn’t leave it behind ‎
I am free‎
Because the more things change,‎
the more they stay the same‎
I read s‎omewhere‎
The diagnosis‎: is ‎psychosis ‎
But, it is not my truth
I am too honestly insane‎
That scandalous deceit ‎
It is love for love’s sake ‎
           It Breaks t‎he blazing knife‎
Embraces the liars I have endured
Make it easier to take‎
I h‎ang back‎ – ‎Hyper vigilant‎
Paranoia rolls with attack‎
The delusions, ‎
they worm into an abyss ‎
The real and the dream‎
Will both fight to stay awake‎‎
I remember safety in your arms ‎
That it smothered me, 
until it was gone‎
– and I could not breathe at all‎
Your words climbed into my head ‎
And over fed, they live there ‎now‎
Despite all‎ who have shared my poison
    I care‎ even less now, without compassion 
As time fills laughter lines‎
When all I’ve done is cry‎‎
I know it can never be ‎
a‎s it was before‎
Silence is easier‎ than ‎
The banging at your door ‎
The truth is inside me‎ ‎
And I w‎ill never wish you well‎
I draw your essence from my heart 
             And feed that fire
                     maybe you cannot  tell‎
That  it‎ burns me to my soul‎
The knowledge a blackened stone ‎
           Hurts me more than just alone
‎Impossible love, I let you go‎
       Lifted lifeless , without  malice‎
                   Don’t worry love, I’ve got this ‎



So many secrets, in my head
Sift through these lies
To a Truth
I Spoonfed
Too many tears
While I held you tight
In need of calm
A place to rest my head
Just for a night
These secrets,
they are heavy now
Drag me down
Wipe sweat from my brow
Your burden is not mine
So, I give it back to you
It is your turn
To sift through what is ruined
Know this is the last time
I will take your secret
And; make it mine
Without your secrets
I avoid a thousand land mines
I survived too many
Was made canny, made devine
My nine lives dwindle
And; always pressed for time
Be careful, handle gently
Pressed lips avoid attack
They are quite heavy
I Thank you for taking them back

Photo Courtesy:

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

Love Or Something Similar

Love, go quickly
Perhaps I won’t feel your passing
No don’t you hit me
My hurt no more yours for the asking
My fingers traced the bruising
My fear asked who did the using
Was it I – though I gave & gave?
Worked my heart into an early grave
Still, I ached to feel you crush me
Fell willingly when you said, “Trust me”.
That first light was blinding
The blood tasted rusty, crusty
My hopes & dreams I gave to the light
My swollen face convinced it was night
Disintegration of laughter
Integration of my screams
Even then they couldn’t drag me away From you
My stupid faith
My belief you were true
As my belly filled & grew
Grope in hope this child is not you
Deliver, forever changed
Your beautiful daughter
17 years too late
Lead myself to the slaughter

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

I got Two (Part Two)

In a word Daddy
The longing in a little boy’s eyes
Even when blood flew
God, how that boy loved you
That love became his cries
The day he became wise
Still I couldn’t match his surprise
As I watched you watch him bleed
Longing finally freed
From a Dad he refused to need

In a word Mommy
Now grown, now woman
She can be kind,
She says, “Mom….you’re only human!”
Yet, takes my lessons
Throws them away
She is my quintessence
She is beauty, she still doesn’t know it
She speaks with an ugliness
I don’t recognize
Yes – I guess she too became wise.

Man Child that has grown tall, hard
He needs nothing
All I see is my baby boy
His words now shards of pain
Tortuous, they end me, again and again

I don’t know, I don’t know

Tough sensitivity
He owes me nothing
I hope, I only hope..always
I’ve loved him
Hope he knows
I’d take a bullet for him

I don’t know, I don’t know

Beat down hard so long
Now fighting back she’s learning how
I hope, I only hope, she knows
Always I have given support
I would take any blow for her
I’d bleed my own wounds
Tear them open…..
Please God gift Your Grace for her

I am nothing, I have failed
I wish I knew more
I wish I believed
I didn’t know, I didn’t know
That I have failed you
I know
You must know, you must know
That was never my intent
And now I carry longing
For time wasted
On You
I want it back
Let me create it
From scratch
I’d do so much better
Now I know there’s a catch
At 17 I wanted out
They said, “You are a walking miracle!”
I saw no miracle
Until I saw faces……
Tiny fingers, tiny toes – that I created
And I held them
And loved like no other
And earned the accolade – Mother
And now that we reach nurture’s end
They even call me friend
Though, I tire quickly these days
I forget words and remember love
I remember home and that I am alone
And……we can never go back
It is destroyed
In war and attack – your tactic
Even with your entire arsenal deployed
And the blinded hate of a fanatic
I am victorious
Motherhood may Hurt
But it is Glorious

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

Snapped on the Wire

I stand on a ledge
Tippy toe fire
Tipped too far over
Snapped on the wire
Bounced back and forth
Sure footing is fought
The price was too high
I snapped on the wire
The moment I was caught
Believing Fairy Tales
Until I stumbled and fell
Into this idealistic haze
This is not my ending
This is not my quiet
‘Til I snapped on the wire
I had never been higher
And death odds require it
It is between you and me
And what I can never be
If I’m saddened by loss
And that I can’t remain
I stay snapping on the wire
As it infiltrates my brain
By snapping this wire
Somehow I am contained
There’s gotta be some spillage
There’s gotta be some work
And if you’re on the other side
Stay there, away from hurt
I never meant to poison
Not from my tomb
Not from my heart
Still I snap at this here wire
Draw in tight to draw apart
No leeway, it is gone
The balance can’t be won
I know I’m falling over
And, have been for so long
Just let me keep on falling
One more Snap, too tightly wired
And at last, I will be done
One last snap, I am so tired

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress


For Winter
Lucid, Lose it
My dreamed refuge
From a reality,
Lined too few
Marked face
Puts me out of place
Pink skin still new
Pills yellow, pink
Darker blue
White means
No remembrance
This hindrance
Of a kindred spirit
I did not want
To call friend
So, sleep moved in
Enchanted me
For three long years
I only heard life
From a distance
Children cried
With persistence
I lied, pacified
To go back to sleep
Said whatever
But, pain never went
I was naked, spent
I hibernated
Stored strength
For my Winter
Of discontent
Of mammoth loss
That just won’t end
I feel each pin prick
My life enters bones
As life left yours
Offspring gnaws
Heart clamped jaws
That speak
Yet say nothing
In almighty claws
And make weary
Trudging hills, nothing
God will not hear me
I have to live
Because of deathbed
lies and
When I needed more
Than coercion
When I needed you
Not inertia
When I needed sleep
Left to weep
No escape
It won’t take me
Not pills
Nor deprivation
Not 56 hours
Not red eyes
Not hibernation
Pray determination wins
Wish for mere stings
Of Angel wings
Each Sobbed Inhalation
For my own sake
To feel
To kneel
At His total control
Where prayers are
Finally, Incrementally
It finds me
I smile, Hesitantly
My friend
Still filled with lies
Gifts half hour nightmares
Always your face
My strongest wish
Stays to leave
This place
The pain is unbearable
I thought I knew it
I thought I’d get through it
Aware throughout
My dreams
Highways to insanity
Screaming before
Was merely a shout
Traitorous friend
Bend sleep
Steal time elsewhere
I am awake
I am aware
In an empty stare
But, love me again
I will meet you there
Cover my pain
So I do not care
Fairy Lights by SkyesFantasy

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

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