God Blinks An Eye

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We are told to continue to pray, with Faith and to believe. That God does things for His reasons and answers prayers in His time. Then, too, we are told that our lives are a blink of His eye. Did you Blink God and not hear me? Did I disappoint You so badly that you cannot bear to hear me, my sobs, my anguish, my loss and my helplessness – did it extend to nonchalance at the gritty hurt of insecurity, pain & homelessness?

I can remember that the only things I was sure I wanted in this life: a home for myself and my kids, somewhere safe and where nobody could make me go, finally secure. Where I’d cook and clean and welcome my family in from the world outside and we would share togetherness.

This never happened. Instead we were pushed to sleeping in parks, on pavements, dirty and unkempt, losing everything, losing dignity, losing hope. Still, I prayed. You know I did.

The only other thing I ever wanted was to feel and believe that I was loved. Perhaps a man who showed with actions not just words, that leaving me was not an option. Obviously, I can never believe that now and I accepted a long time ago that to be alone and single is my preference – I just do not believe this is possible. Anyone willing to love me would need to love my broken children – and I will never accept that such a man exists.

Failing all that, the love of my children would have (should) sufficed; fill some void and that would be enough. This, too, has never happened. They love me because they have to, but there is no intensity of emotion or loyalty toward me. I’m just the person who carries the blame and broke everything further.

I cannot remember ever not trying. Not doing all I can for them. Bargaining, hospitals, courts, clothes, food, work and more work. Beaten to save them from being beaten. Weak in so many ways that the guilt lives inside of me.

I no longer try. I will run only if I have absolutely no choice. I will walk away when disrespected. I will accept my failures and my inability to “fix”. I stay without food and I stay inside an ailing body. I cannot care anymore.  And, still I do not hear God. That kills me the most. I am not waiting for “breakthrough” and promises of “Amens” for money are just offensive – wise up!

I will wake up (on any given day) and I will find laughter or I will remain sad, with my reminiscences of love, those I loved and lost to death or betrayal. It is okay, either way. I do not expect miracles because we squander them – they are tiny feet, rainbows, a people united by thousands in solidarity against war or injustice, forgiveness, orgasms, hugs, a homeless person sharing his last food,  We, the blind, we, the deaf – praying praying praying – while God safely blinks an eye…Because He already gifted us our miracles. I am positive he hoped Humanity would not squander them.

Solitude

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Solitude
The meeting of your soul
When you instinctively connect
Earn your own respect
Converse, meeting in your mind
Discuss, times you were so blind
Readjust, images in your head
Make your peace
With what is gone, said
At the table of solitude
Humbled sit down
Eat the pie I share with you
Give this contract a signature
Solitude
When the pain outside
Collides
And finds its way inside
Reconciled, a fixture
Take what’s broken and deliver
Take what was spoken to oblivion
Release mental chains
In solitude
In attitude
And gratitude
Meet me, because I love you
Greet me, and I will cover you
With these blessings you deny
While I dry every tear cried
And truth the lies
In solitude
Become as one
You are my mirror
Who I’ve become
Let me embrace you
In solitude
So that I don’t erase you
In regret
I am the heart of you
Join me,
I am a part of you
Be free
Come home
You are not alone
Even In solitude
Just we two
Where we can start anew
And no more need to miss you

 

This Woman, Human

I’ve Heard many things
Sugar and spice,
all things nice
The smile this brings
The female of the species is a snake
Or perhaps she’s sometimes fake
I think she sheds her skin
Allows strength from within
Behind every great man is a great woman
But beware what the shrew has brewing
Mother, Nurturer, Sister, daughter
Friend – This is woman, human
I’ve heard hell hath no fury
Like a woman scorned
What did you expect,
if she wasn’t warned
Bitch, loose, lazy, manipulative, vacuous – This is woman, human
She wasn’t born innocuous
The Women I’ve known are stronger
Than most of you
Your words are cruel, no doubt
But she waits no longer
For approval, she may shout
Out of windows, or her child’s name
Women hurt, they change
They cannot stay the same
Yet, first to lay blame
Upon her own shoulders
Whore, puritan, dreamer, mistaken, loyal, This is woman, human
Women line up like well trained soldiers
Like the war is real, rages
Across failure and successful stages
Alike, Head held high
Proud of tears, and released sigh
These women I’ve known
All my life
She picks it up, knits it, binds it, repairs it, cares for it.
Humble or alone, they call it home
Warrior, nurse, lover, broken, whole,
This is Woman, Human
Cut off from the world
I forget I am woman,
Breathe deeply, fists unfurl
It doesn’t ease the tension
Words do not come,
I’m Relieved, they can’t be undone
Thoughts, so angry still
Leave life for a moment
And the hurts I cannot mention
I have lost all connection
And that’s the hardest part
When I return to here
When I remember to remember
I acknowledge this false start
Take a knife, scratch at the stain
It bleeds angry red, pulses in bursts
I admit I place the blame
I admit it covers shame
I try to dice these hurts
Make Manageable memories
Bite sized contrite slices
Then swallow the hollow
Hiccup on these hindrances
Remove these insane instances
I try to Repair these wounds
But, I’m Too raw, to slow….
Too soon for no more
To Remove these cushions
Of blood and bone and heart
To Remove…..You
Knowing, I’m alone, I remove me too
Whatever I deny now
I lose in the insistence of why
To remove cloak of invisibility
To remember that you see
My Discrepancy
To know I will never again be
The light you give her
When I return to here
When I remember to remember
I hate, I miss, I regret
So for one more day, I forget

I think of you

I think of you
When the night is quiet
And winter steals light early
And Fathers are home
Rushing from work seeking refuge
In pots of curry or split pea soup
I think of you
When Mothers shout supper time
And children end street soccer
And run to welcoming homes
Hot baths and scrubbed cheeks
And checked homework
Where homes house Gran and Grandpa
Enfolded with love and Security
I think of you
When the seas high tide brings
Sea weed, debris and salted water
The aroma carries me
Knowing Summer’s promise waits once again
Beyond claimed sandy footprints, or
The “I love you” etched in sand
When I lived happiness
When you held my hand
I think of you
When my heart is breaking
And Winter is endless
Iced over rapture and hope
I think of you
I do
I think of you
And I choke

All Intention

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I thought
She cannot be happy
She has my Love
And he has my heart
And wherever they may be
There will always be three
Closer to my flesh
For an age we remained
Closer to choice
Then no longer the same
Wife and kids
In a brand new frame
My stronger voice
Confidently forgives
But, I cannot reconcile
The you you are
Without me and child
The time we had
And now the time apart
It does not hurt
Not anymore
The man I loved
Gone years before
He, who had my heart
No longer exists
It’s me beyond any pain
It’s me who permits
New patient plans
Or cessation of thought
Loss forgets to mention
That amongst things taught
You have your new life
But
I have found redemption

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On Forgetfulness

“Yet each disappointment Ted 
felt in his wife, each 
incremental deflation, was 
accompanied by a seizure of 
guilt; many years ago, he had 
taken the passion he felt for 
Susan and folded it in half, so 
he no longer had a drowning, 
helpless feeling when he 
glimpsed her beside him in 
bed: her ropy arms and soft, 
generous ass. Then he’d 
folded it in half again, so 
when he felt desire for Susan, 
it no longer brought with it an 
edgy terror of never being 
satisfied. Then in half again, 
so that feeling desire entailed 
no immediate need to act. 
Then in half again, so he 
hardly felt it. His desire was 
so small in the end that Ted 
could slip it inside his desk or 
a pocket and forget about it, 
and this gave him a feeling of 
safety and accomplishment, 
of having dismantled a 
perilous apparatus that might 
have crushed them both. 
Susan was baffled at first, 
then distraught; she’d hit him 
twice across the face; she’d 
run from the house in a 
thunderstorm and slept at a 
motel; she’d wrestled Ted to 
the bedroom floor in a pair of 
black crotchless underpants. 
But eventually a sort of 
amnesia had overtaken 
Susan; her rebellion and hurt 
had melted away, deliquesced 
into a sweet, eternal 
sunniness that was terrible in 
the way that life would be 
terrible, Ted supposed, 
without death to give it 
gravitas and shape. He’d 
presumed at first that her 
relentless cheer was mocking, 
another phase in her 
rebellion, until it came to him 
that Susan had forgotten how 
things were between them 
before Ted began to fold up 
his desire; she’d forgotten and 
was happy — had never not 
been happy — and while all 
of this bolstered his awe at 
the gymnastic adaptability of 
the human mind, it also made 
him feel that his wife had 
been brainwashed. By him.” 
― Jennifer Egan, A Visit from 
the Goon Squad 

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Quote

Safe

Concrete surrounding trees
Birds and lawns and picnic corners
Never used
Bricked in borders
Landscaped fenced mews
Not enjoyed as it should
Even signage annoyed
As if it understood
States: “Keep Out!”
While inside steel enforced gates
The living quietly shout
Doors with codes
Shut closed
Behind you
Shiny and new
The world
Curled
Hurled Away
So stay
In safety
Timed precisely
As we pray
With keys and remotes
That barely jangle
Innocuous entangle
In empty pocketed coats
Before you
Lock it
Block it
A buzzer within
Controls access
Before you begin
Society’s abscess
Denied umpteenth times
Ignorance is kind
Passersby see a fortress
Overstated importance
But,
SAFE
With beautiful views
Through caged windows
And guarded news
No laughing children
Playing in watered gardens
These aging widows
Living their pardons
Seed imagined cauldron
Move curtain in stealth
And 4am candle wick
To save pennies
Of hoarded wealth
Their eyes quick
Miss nothing
Yet, miss it all
You cannot live life
Looking over a wall

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

I got Two (Part One)

One year
Turned to two
I don’t feel
Any more lonely
Than when I belonged
To you
One lie
Turned to two
I already knew
My mistake
So the joke was on you
My heartache
For Love’s sake
One child
Then I had two
Difficulty level grew
Incrementally insane
I drowned as I
Tried to fix the broken
But, still I got the blame

You got to start over
You forgot us
Even though you’re newly sober
I learned not to hope
You can’t be a Father
If you leave me
Hanging on the rope
Not committed
So I admit it
I was so cheated
You win
For a time…
I was defeated

I asked: Tell me how
You crush the seeds you seeded
I asked: How do you
Make promises, then leave them
Said I will be Daddy
Gave what they needed
Not gifts your God gave to you
As
Surely your God knew
What would hold true
Because still
He gifted me two
Souls to nurture, grow, heal
Underneath
I accepted, resigned sadly
I was teacher
You did it so badly
You are a sad preacher
So, I did the work
Promised I’d grow
Up
Be
Grown
Up
I became two
Did the best I could do
Despite the absence of you
If I have failed
That’s alright
I didn’t bail
I stayed to fight
Even in ignorance of the full scale
I was steady
I was there every night
I was ready
I gave them my life

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

Snapped on the Wire

I stand on a ledge
Tippy toe fire
Tipped too far over
Snapped on the wire
Bounced back and forth
Sure footing is fought
The price was too high
I snapped on the wire
The moment I was caught
Believing Fairy Tales
Until I stumbled and fell
Into this idealistic haze
This is not my ending
This is not my quiet
‘Til I snapped on the wire
I had never been higher
And death odds require it
It is between you and me
And what I can never be
If I’m saddened by loss
And that I can’t remain
I stay snapping on the wire
As it infiltrates my brain
By snapping this wire
Somehow I am contained
There’s gotta be some spillage
There’s gotta be some work
And if you’re on the other side
Stay there, away from hurt
I never meant to poison
Not from my tomb
Not from my heart
Still I snap at this here wire
Draw in tight to draw apart
No leeway, it is gone
The balance can’t be won
I know I’m falling over
And, have been for so long
Just let me keep on falling
One more Snap, too tightly wired
And at last, I will be done
One last snap, I am so tired

http://www.moonipulations.com

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

You Broke It

Instead of pulling together
we pulled apart
Take hold of the string
unravel my heart
No family dinners
no talks about school
No dreams we share
it’s all about you
I take you, I please you
then wish you well
I wonder, I whisper
Is this my hell?
Forever or never
too late for what ifs
It’s broken, you broke it
I cannot forgive
Say sorry, choke on it
Like bile, our last kiss
Our home gone forever
only you I don’t miss
The laughter – our children
And me stupid proud
A lightning bolt moment
Alone in the crowd

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

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