God Blinks An Eye

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We are told to continue to pray, with Faith and to believe. That God does things for His reasons and answers prayers in His time. Then, too, we are told that our lives are a blink of His eye. Did you Blink God and not hear me? Did I disappoint You so badly that you cannot bear to hear me, my sobs, my anguish, my loss and my helplessness – did it extend to nonchalance at the gritty hurt of insecurity, pain & homelessness?

I can remember that the only things I was sure I wanted in this life: a home for myself and my kids, somewhere safe and where nobody could make me go, finally secure. Where I’d cook and clean and welcome my family in from the world outside and we would share togetherness.

This never happened. Instead we were pushed to sleeping in parks, on pavements, dirty and unkempt, losing everything, losing dignity, losing hope. Still, I prayed. You know I did.

The only other thing I ever wanted was to feel and believe that I was loved. Perhaps a man who showed with actions not just words, that leaving me was not an option. Obviously, I can never believe that now and I accepted a long time ago that to be alone and single is my preference – I just do not believe this is possible. Anyone willing to love me would need to love my broken children – and I will never accept that such a man exists.

Failing all that, the love of my children would have (should) sufficed; fill some void and that would be enough. This, too, has never happened. They love me because they have to, but there is no intensity of emotion or loyalty toward me. I’m just the person who carries the blame and broke everything further.

I cannot remember ever not trying. Not doing all I can for them. Bargaining, hospitals, courts, clothes, food, work and more work. Beaten to save them from being beaten. Weak in so many ways that the guilt lives inside of me.

I no longer try. I will run only if I have absolutely no choice. I will walk away when disrespected. I will accept my failures and my inability to “fix”. I stay without food and I stay inside an ailing body. I cannot care anymore.  And, still I do not hear God. That kills me the most. I am not waiting for “breakthrough” and promises of “Amens” for money are just offensive – wise up!

I will wake up (on any given day) and I will find laughter or I will remain sad, with my reminiscences of love, those I loved and lost to death or betrayal. It is okay, either way. I do not expect miracles because we squander them – they are tiny feet, rainbows, a people united by thousands in solidarity against war or injustice, forgiveness, orgasms, hugs, a homeless person sharing his last food,  We, the blind, we, the deaf – praying praying praying – while God safely blinks an eye…Because He already gifted us our miracles. I am positive he hoped Humanity would not squander them.

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Your pills, not mine

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Distant now
My hopeful childhood steps
Before
Hours embraced days
Those Dark Days that chased weeks
And weeks that seduced years
The only constant that quiet ticking
The seconds most sure of their importance
These catastrophes they’ve brought us
or laughter from the belly up
…..and out into the world
Unhinged euphoria!
Before sadness and happiness
Felt symbiotically within hours ~ could not coexist….
Doctor’s script
And, so labelled: My impossible ~ Bipolar or Manic
Given pills to remedy
Told, “Hold her steady…”
For a madness that was quite ordinary ~ ¿
Exhilarating voracious wonder ~ Gone
You broke me, that’s how you won.

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It Didn’t 

You intrigued me. 

I waited for mystery to end. 

It didn’t. 

You stayed at my side. 

I waited for irritation to begin. 

It didn’t. 

You loved me. I waited for it to go away. 

It didn’t.

You asked me to hope. I do.

You asked me to live. I will.

You asked me to be brave. I can.

You never asked me to wait. 

You know I will.

You never asked me to remember. 

You know I will. 

You never asked me to love. 

You know I do.

Solitude

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Solitude
The meeting of your soul
When you instinctively connect
Earn your own respect
Converse, meeting in your mind
Discuss, times you were so blind
Readjust, images in your head
Make your peace
With what is gone, said
At the table of solitude
Humbled sit down
Eat the pie I share with you
Give this contract a signature
Solitude
When the pain outside
Collides
And finds its way inside
Reconciled, a fixture
Take what’s broken and deliver
Take what was spoken to oblivion
Release mental chains
In solitude
In attitude
And gratitude
Meet me, because I love you
Greet me, and I will cover you
With these blessings you deny
While I dry every tear cried
And truth the lies
In solitude
Become as one
You are my mirror
Who I’ve become
Let me embrace you
In solitude
So that I don’t erase you
In regret
I am the heart of you
Join me,
I am a part of you
Be free
Come home
You are not alone
Even In solitude
Just we two
Where we can start anew
And no more need to miss you

 

A Soldier’s Birthday

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4am – I guess I’m a day older
Don’t know when
But somehow I’ve folded
When I’m stopped
When I’m locked
In awkward conversation
Why didn’t I turn out amazing
Like they predicted
Instead, I Became afflicted
With the business of life
Became addicted
To a man as his wife
Left success
Left a mess
I can’t fathom a guess
Of my 1st wrong turn
or that worm of concern
Wriggling, In my grave
At the age
At that stage
When I should have been glorious
Or of Shaken fist
victorious
Instead, I ran to hide
And life locked me inside
A vice like grip
or a banged up lip
And my pride stripped
When strength tripped
And I fell once too much
But, I’ve felt the heat
Of the Queen’s seat
I may not be all I wished
With certainty failed
But, Despite all of this
I Remember this detail
The Crown was never mine
I’m doing just fine
If that clock strikes 12
There’s nowhere I need to be
God made only one of me
And then He broke the mold
Predictions are nothing
Just Gambling at a race
I could change many things
But;
Not that look upon your face
Come close, as I whisper
Yes, I guess I’m a day older
I am no Queen, never been

Instead, you made me Soldier

It Kills Me

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3 perfect scratches
Not made by me
And it kills me
It’s all I see
2 perfect catches
I wish I’d never caught
The lie is comfortable
Though illusion was taught
Reality is I know more about you
By what you don’t say
By what you don’t choose
And even used
At the end of the day
I am content
I am comfortably bent
Yes it kills me
You are all I can see
Your love fills me
And I despise my need
My love kills me
You are the best I’ll ever be…

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Pretty

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I should pretend
Pretty in lipstick & rouge
Because
I said
It doesn’t matter to me
And you are excused
I cannot love you
Anyway
I floundered – did some crazy shit
When I was waking up
And, I did not realise it
Growth in crazy stops & starts
Made me bolder
Careless with others hearts
Selfish after selflessness
An adjustment I still welcome
After too many lonely nights
Bad luck cornered denied sun
Made me colder
Until Summer just a euphemism
For feeling warm
And satisfaction no surfeit
In a morsel of bread
In never feeling fed
Made me lonelier
Than an empty bed
Anywhere to lay my head
For a time
Longing for a home
That died in that flood
When the storm shook me
And forsaken all, freed me
Took everyone left to need me
When even God believed
And gave me legs that walk
And eyes to see
And a mouth that could talk
If only
To take me
Away
If only
To teach me
To stay
Some lessons
Not meant
To be learned
This way
But, it matters
And you have no right
To love me
If intention only a minute
It matters you know I’m right

I matter ~
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And I am worth the fight

Finding Jesus

For I know the plans I have for you. declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. — Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV).

He said, “I pray you find Jesus..!”
While on his I-Phone
Climbed into his new car
Drove to his smart home
Ate his supper
Kissed his wife
2 children’s laughter
A happy Life
I said, “I pray Jesus finds you..!”
I was all alone
Nobody to kiss
No place to call home
Forgive the poor sinner
Who thinks he knows best
I have Faith in tomorrow
I count myself Blessed
To give having nothing
The ultimate Test

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

South Africa, Home

I was born the blonde of Big Bay sands
My eyes blue, with remembered tears
Cornrows of wheat strands
Where warriors stood atop Devil’s peak
And all knew the language I speak
I sang remembrance in a drum beat
And ushered in the sunrise
My fists curled as I raized the sun
With Zulu spear and thong
My ancestral home, Cradle of Mankind
This is where I belong
If you look toward the rainbow
And hear every colour in a song
The people I love are everywhere I go
Amid generations of Mother ululation
A new world built from ashes
Formed glorious in creation
With a mountain backdrop
Protea landfills and graceful Springbok
Where rock worn waves crash
In pride that will never stop
The rush of Rugby and Cricket
The regeneration of aloe and love
Betting on handshakes and Acacia
The Big Five, gold, diamond mining
Heat that enfolds me close
Coal fed with dreaded timing
Ever hardened I flower Cacti
Arid splinters, rough heeled I chose
to hold back the sea that brings flood
While salted eyes fix in prayer above
Inhaled scented centuries of blood
Spilled when I walked barefoot
Across the Sub Sahara plains
My soul at peace understood
These my footprints are the stains
As my home turned and returned
We are all just human remains
Our lessons too well learned
This is my heart and in it I see Forever
I aim for the highest peak
This is our land, we live it together
Breadth as wide as it is deep
This is our home, we will make it better
‘Til honeyed fields our children greet
South Africa, Home
Umuzi, Tuiste, Kediaman ~ Ikhaya

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

Hope

“While there’s life, there’s hope.” ― Cicero

Nothing kills hope quicker than inaction, the mere thought of DOING energizes the soul. Creates a barrier between the unbearable and the ability to cope.

I’ve always had a type of awe at the tenacity and formidable regeneration of the human spirit. As we grow older we learn that life will crush us, it will try to break us, it will daunt us, but still we overcome. We lose the very people closest to us, people leave, they destroy, they abandon; still we persevere.

Sometimes the very act of waking up is a triumph – I will always believe that. I will be 1st to admit that I have wanted to end my existence, when surrender was the more attractive option. Moments of such despair that we cannot conceive healing or success. When we react with prayer that comes from a rawness in our soul, we pray and call on our true Father, while tears flow, because we know we are helpless without Him.

Ah, but then the moments of bliss….in the rising of the sun, in my friends and the quiet strength they lend when needed, in my sisters and the complete acceptance we have of each other…flaws included. My children and their capacity to break my heart and to fill it, simultaneously. In the kindness of strangers and the strangeness of kindness – I am so small next to such immense humanity.

Even the purity of hurt that losing my Mother brought was a type of blessing, because with that came a deeper wisdom and a greater appreciation for just how fortunate we were to have her in the 1st place. God is funny like that, don’t you think? Just when we want to shout at Him and throw tantrums because the hurt is unbearable, He sends a rainbow – a friend, a sunrise, a loaf of bread, laughter.

God Bless you readers, my friends, my family. May He gift you your heart’s desires, but more than this, may He gift you Hope.

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

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