Benevolent

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I feel wronged
And, I have wronged you, too
Me ~ Taken advantage of
Chewed and spat out
Not to their liking
A touch too exotic
A touch too bothersome
And, so easy to let go
Scapegoat ~ easily nothing beneath their feet
This flesh aged by No
These wrinkles my severance
Those punches came as handshakes
They came to inspire
Then when I dared disagree
They came harder and higher
Little educated bites of shame
So, when I shut my mouth
When with quiet dignity took blame
While they wore suits…
and brandished their big names
In court rooms
And boardrooms
And bedrooms
I betrayed you, Women
I could not stay you
Now you hate me
This disillusion filled spite monger
because I dare You,
Stand!
As I could not
Speak!
Shout the Freedom I won for you
Rage the injustice
Those hushed orders issued
After long days in pseudo gratitude ~ Gone!
For a wage that fed
For the family you’d tend
While the soul ran red
For fist slammed on desk
…to show authority
For his shouted superiority
Whose?
No quiet acceptance
No more
No nodding, no agreeing
Yes, it is our benevolent light…
And; I say:
Fight for your voice
Raise it
For your fortitude
You made it
For your daughter
So save her
Fight for yourself
Fight before God
Fight for what is right
Or, all you have is the start
of ĺittle deaths, over and over
…then debilitating ones ~
…then Hope dies &
when that goes, fall…

…as fight l🌹eaves the soul
And then…too late.
Because child; you are Me…
And, We
And fight fears night
The righteousness silenced
By too many swallowed words
By the quietness of violence
And; ultimately our God betrayed
Women ~ We have always prayed
Stand Tall, Speak Loudly, Defended
We are glorious, we are as God Intended

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Your pills, not mine

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Distant now
My hopeful childhood steps
Before
Hours embraced days
Those Dark Days that chased weeks
And weeks that seduced years
The only constant that quiet ticking
The seconds most sure of their importance
These catastrophes they’ve brought us
or laughter from the belly up
…..and out into the world
Unhinged euphoria!
Before sadness and happiness
Felt symbiotically within hours ~ could not coexist….
Doctor’s script
And, so labelled: My impossible ~ Bipolar or Manic
Given pills to remedy
Told, “Hold her steady…”
For a madness that was quite ordinary ~ ¿
Exhilarating voracious wonder ~ Gone
You broke me, that’s how you won.

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It Didn’t 

You intrigued me. 

I waited for mystery to end. 

It didn’t. 

You stayed at my side. 

I waited for irritation to begin. 

It didn’t. 

You loved me. I waited for it to go away. 

It didn’t.

You asked me to hope. I do.

You asked me to live. I will.

You asked me to be brave. I can.

You never asked me to wait. 

You know I will.

You never asked me to remember. 

You know I will. 

You never asked me to love. 

You know I do.

Solitude

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Solitude
The meeting of your soul
When you instinctively connect
Earn your own respect
Converse, meeting in your mind
Discuss, times you were so blind
Readjust, images in your head
Make your peace
With what is gone, said
At the table of solitude
Humbled sit down
Eat the pie I share with you
Give this contract a signature
Solitude
When the pain outside
Collides
And finds its way inside
Reconciled, a fixture
Take what’s broken and deliver
Take what was spoken to oblivion
Release mental chains
In solitude
In attitude
And gratitude
Meet me, because I love you
Greet me, and I will cover you
With these blessings you deny
While I dry every tear cried
And truth the lies
In solitude
Become as one
You are my mirror
Who I’ve become
Let me embrace you
In solitude
So that I don’t erase you
In regret
I am the heart of you
Join me,
I am a part of you
Be free
Come home
You are not alone
Even In solitude
Just we two
Where we can start anew
And no more need to miss you

 

Safety

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There’s safety in numbers
In not been alone
I’d have a plus one
If you’d answer your phone
There’s safety in secrets
Though no guarantee
A secret is as safe
As the person you believe
There’s safety indoors
If the locks are in place
But, even boarded up
I can feel fear’s face
There’s a safety in a lie
If by omission meant
But, If he can’t shut up
Omission is bent
There’s safety in stories
In sharing our history
I retell for perspective
Feel free to ignore me
There’s safety in nothing
I wish I could lie
The trick, my darling
Is to look me in the eye
There’s safety in love
When it is done just right
So far, I’m still fearful
And, alone every night
So far, I am safety
I stay slow, I lay low
I lock all I see
And so far, for safety
I befriend only me

 

Hindsight is 20/20

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I wrote a hundred words for breakfast
Prettied my heart on a plate
You declined it,
So many times more
Quick to anger and complicate
But that’s before
A lifetime ago,
Whatever, now, you think you know
I’ll deny that I kept score
I’ve learned to let go of hate
Only I regret I wasted wishes
On a love devoid of kisses
Though I may revert
When I sit alone to greet the dawn
My memories do not hurt
My heart and mind do reconcile
Like my glasses upon the bed
Moments gone now forever
And years washed from my lifeline
When eyes had no need for forever
When with no difficulty
I could read every line
A bill, a poem or a letter
With clarity now, is how I see
Grateful tears hastened maturity
When you began to forget me
Now the poems that I write
Are for me, are of night
Or;
Of sunshine and light
And the days that I am alone?
These, they are my relief,
They say hindsight is 20/20
I guess that’s also my belief
My vision somehow is complete
Is of time, mind and heart
I am not opposed,
As the story goes
Of these things that make up sight
In acceptance comes a beauty
And, I am seldom now contrite
I have done my duty,
I have lived the gift of my life

Hushed


Hushed Voices
In the next room
rise and fall,
though words sound small
The end too soon
Tries to recall
An opening, a ridge, a view
To a beginning
Converse spinning
A coping, a bridge, when new
Hushed Voices
In the next room
Mine urgent, pleading
Yours distant, misleading
Become loud voices
The end too soon
Become loud choices
As I leave the room

Self-Managed

I slept on the floor, in the lounge –
Too much you all around
I waited for the phone, perhaps your key
There’s no-one home, Its always only me
And, so I learned not to bother you
Not to care what it is you do
You stayed away
I cried each day
That was my first door
Crutch gone, see me fall
I made it to the kitchen
I slept in minutes
Dramatic increments
That came with waves of a shot glass
My long hair hung lank
My body stank, of before
When I kissed you,
The last, and; body betrayed
‘Cos even my broken scream stayed
Bounced around, while
I Sat in the corner
Blackened feet on the table
Eyes bleached grey destroyer
I did as much as I was able
I sat until another day went away
My eyes seeking a savior
Didn’t go out
Didn’t shout
The hatred built like euphoria
I said, “Remember this…”
A thousand times
I said, “No goodbye kiss..”
A thousand lies
I said, “You did this…”
A thousand tries
Still, only emptiness beside me
None to hold within these arms
Just the same as it will always be
The same as it always was
Can’t conceive how I held on
All this time that you’ve been gone

I think of you

I think of you
When the night is quiet
And winter steals light early
And Fathers are home
Rushing from work seeking refuge
In pots of curry or split pea soup
I think of you
When Mothers shout supper time
And children end street soccer
And run to welcoming homes
Hot baths and scrubbed cheeks
And checked homework
Where homes house Gran and Grandpa
Enfolded with love and Security
I think of you
When the seas high tide brings
Sea weed, debris and salted water
The aroma carries me
Knowing Summer’s promise waits once again
Beyond claimed sandy footprints, or
The “I love you” etched in sand
When I lived happiness
When you held my hand
I think of you
When my heart is breaking
And Winter is endless
Iced over rapture and hope
I think of you
I do
I think of you
And I choke

I Am

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Truth is I am not right
I make mistakes
Then make it my fight
I have had company
And I’ve been alone
I’ve been homeless
And I’ve had a home
So I keep busy
I make something from nothing
Insomnia makes me dizzy
At the back of my head
Sleep stalks seeking entry
But, you are Always present
Predator cracking mirrors
Self ordained sentry
Soot lashes in slivers
I Frame the things you’ve said
During your stay at Condo Grey
Eviction “Get the Fuck outta my head!”~ Ignored, you dutifully stay
Surviving and reportedly fine
Most of the time, but
I am your bruised cheeks
I am your tenderness
I am your electric noise
I am your bad choice boys
And I am our silence
I am the fallen blade
I am your Sunday high
I am every Fuck you gave
I am your baby’s sigh
I am every goodbye
I am you almost brave
I am you insane
There is no formula
I cannot calculate, or
Define denied development
That Loves as it gives up
I am my Yan & my Yin
I forever thirst
That Cursed burst cup
Give up before I begin
I release before I catch
Teardrops grin in pain
Iridescent
I gratefully light this match
And I ~ Burn burn burn
Until
I am your laughter
I am your breath
I am your freedom
I am our death

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