Your pills, not mine

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Distant now
My hopeful childhood steps
Before
Hours embraced days
Those Dark Days that chased weeks
And weeks that seduced years
The only constant that quiet ticking
The seconds most sure of their importance
These catastrophes they’ve brought us
or laughter from the belly up
…..and out into the world
Unhinged euphoria!
Before sadness and happiness
Felt symbiotically within hours ~ could not coexist….
Doctor’s script
And, so labelled: My impossible ~ Bipolar or Manic
Given pills to remedy
Told, “Hold her steady…”
For a madness that was quite ordinary ~ ¿
Exhilarating voracious wonder ~ Gone
You broke me, that’s how you won.

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A type of Happiness

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I have no secrets, he said
And turned his head
I have the type of honesty
That ensures hurting
I have the type of face
That says hit, I won’t hit back
I caught his eye
I understood the liar
I accepted what I saw
Naked need stripped raw
So Forgive me, I touched fire
There is strength in weakness
In acknowledging your truth
In a quiet storm
That rushes the trees
And abates when they are torn
If you understand rain
And love it anyway
If you accept that pain
Cannot win and cannot stay
You learn to live the moment
You learn to abide the lie
You learn to dwell in happiness
And not to question why

I’ve got this

‎‎
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These strangers who touch me‎
Who wash me clean, gritty and shiny‎‎
I am not less without you guiding me ‎
I heard myself say,
“‎I‎ don’t mind the pain,‎
It’s the hope that kills me‎
‎…again and again “‎
I recognized truth‎
I didn’t leave it behind ‎
I am free‎
Because the more things change,‎
the more they stay the same‎
I read s‎omewhere‎
The diagnosis‎: is ‎psychosis ‎
But, it is not my truth
I am too honestly insane‎
That scandalous deceit ‎
It is love for love’s sake ‎
           It Breaks t‎he blazing knife‎
Embraces the liars I have endured
Make it easier to take‎
I h‎ang back‎ – ‎Hyper vigilant‎
Paranoia rolls with attack‎
The delusions, ‎
they worm into an abyss ‎
The real and the dream‎
Will both fight to stay awake‎‎
I remember safety in your arms ‎
That it smothered me, 
until it was gone‎
– and I could not breathe at all‎
Your words climbed into my head ‎
And over fed, they live there ‎now‎
Despite all‎ who have shared my poison
    I care‎ even less now, without compassion 
As time fills laughter lines‎
When all I’ve done is cry‎‎
I know it can never be ‎
a‎s it was before‎
Silence is easier‎ than ‎
The banging at your door ‎
The truth is inside me‎ ‎
And I w‎ill never wish you well‎
I draw your essence from my heart 
             And feed that fire
                     maybe you cannot  tell‎
That  it‎ burns me to my soul‎
The knowledge a blackened stone ‎
           Hurts me more than just alone
‎Impossible love, I let you go‎
       Lifted lifeless , without  malice‎
                   Don’t worry love, I’ve got this ‎

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Betrayal

My convictions stand
No less important than yours
So how can you say
That your way…..
Is the only way?
When I state the same
And when I speak your name
Love and Hate still entwined
The work that’s been done
That’s all mine
An apology from you……to me
Remind me of just one?!
I remember your offer
I respected her, I said no
Because I knew she’s where you’d go
And your unfaithful fingers
Would leave me sadder
On the day I said goodbye to my Mom
I guess that’s your double standard
I guess it is your justification
Still so underhanded
You didn’t offer sex
So to you, it doesn’t count
I count an infinite amount
Of indiscretions
And evaded questions
You could not simply support
Without some self-gratification

Years on and I am still alone
I rebuilt what you burned
I made many new homes
No conversations
With a child so lost
So I picked up the slack
You get her back
I get her tears
Even after all these years
To me……
Its just another betrayal
Yes, I am pale
I lock myself in
I don’t allow you
Even one of my tears
To me you are
Every one of my fears
A liar hiding behind prayer
You can convince yourself
That I’m not alone
That I was a dream
And forgiveness has made you clean
I am living my repentance
So I can compare
You will Hear your Sentence
When your Craven heart does dare
And admits to every offense
When realization lends
The wisdom of once true friends
Your sins will follow
No matter where you make your home
Yours prayers are hollow
Because you won’t learn to atone

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

1, 2 Skip a Few ~ 99, 100

1, 2 skip a few 99..100

I wrote furiously;
Taking back my words
Each sentence a nail in love coffin
I took you seriously,
Though now it seems absurd to me
Yearning woman tried love
Once too often
You said I was all your plans
You said you wouldn’t hurt,
no matter my demands,
you’d never do me dirt…
You said you understood
And even broken you’d stick around
You promised to protect
Yet; somehow let me down
I said you are my last
I wouldn’t take another
That my heartache would feed my need and lead for me to smother
I couldn’t accept your love
But; insistent you became
In game you climbed floors & walls & thorns — to get to me;
To set me free and let me be……
Seemed you tried so hard,
So yes, I gave my heart.
My words, devotion ~ total trust
You said; ‘It’s ok; it’s for both of us’.
Now, I find I’m alone at night
When love’s day is done..
And sky my only light
Extinguished; Relinquished
Stupidly I perceive
Now, you’re gone forever, lies so
ill conceived
Bereaved, my heart; so close
Lose key, or persuasion in
Mourning’s rose
Lose me, to salvation; to my
Last Rope….
Forever after, now I’m my only
One word deleted, becomes a thousand
And, that is how I’ll cope….

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

Here Lies Lying (R.I.P)

(Warning: Adult Theme)

You say I got you confused
You say “I love you”
You say many things, some of them are used
You say “I was Killing time,
she meant nothing!”
Are you Divine?
That endearments from your lips can choose when they are lying?
Words said to me,
Count not when said to her?
You say “You are my everything!”
You seemed once so sincere
You squander words, the dirtied pure, lay here on my floor
I hear you, but…I feel you no more
You say I wasn’t around,
When you lost yourself?
Were you underground?
Did you crossover?
Or just cross yourself?
Penitent Lover, you were untrue
My prayers fail because of you
You say she means nothing,
An itch to scratch. Bored… just exchanged hardware.
Did you tell her that,
when she made you hard everywhere?
I read, “You stimulate me, in more ways than one.”
I think she believed you,
I know I would have done.
That nails didn’t scar, is only space
And that’s fine, its just such a waste
Comprehend, before pressing send
And hear things you said
I know what I know and what I’ve seen
And I dream I am her in between,
She said, “Do you want to fuck me or get in my head?”
You typed, ‘Ah…cocktease, I’d fuck you all night!’
Still, you think to make this right?
You said “I only want what’s real.”
You said “You are all I feel..”
Yet play games so we suffer loss
One day find real too much cost
Only you will reach crescendo
Lonely you and screamed innuendo
My only question is:
If you see me, and you’re asked:
“Who is she?’
Please don’t let your reply be,
“She is nobody….”
Admit lie to me,
Forget you were mine
And say,
“I was only killing time.”
Unearthed, again play
Tombstone: “here lies lying”

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

Twice Tricked

You sat sulking in a corner
Like a child
Something denied
You counted all my faults
Yet never included how I cried
Or how I waited
Or what we created
Until it was done
When you came
You asked for one more day
So you could understand the goodbye
Well, when I asked for the same
Your silence told me everything
You wouldn’t even try
Do you still sulk
These many miles away
Still dabble in flame
As if I’m still there to tame
I know I did the wishing
I know I wove the spell
Love spell too tight
Gave us too many years to fight
Made us hang on despite tears
We were breaking, broke and broken
Still, my love spell kept you close
For me it didn’t matter,
I always loved you most
So, I undid it true
On a full blue moon
Didn’t know I gave her you
Dug it out and unwrapped
The Red ribbon of our start
I burned it, chanted released
And, gave you back your heart
So convinced it was the right path
I felt loved, but differently
Thought it time for my life to begin
Now, too late, I realize
I gave your freedom too soon
I am stuck, distracted, howling, crawling
I’d missed all warning
And chose a man not you
I chose a man not true
The moon
Bound, rewound
Affected me too
My heart will never be the same
If my life started when you came
It ended when I let you go again
My lessons say I must wish you well
How does that work
If I’m stuck in hell
Twice deserted, tricked
I was tempted, that I know
It didn’t have to end
I can plead I didn’t know
By then you were both not friend
Ignorance is no excuse
It is my burden, if I’m honest
Born of ancient knowledge
I knew what I was doing
And when the moon is full
My fingers itch……
but I ignore them

Photo, with thanks, by Anthony Guebels

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

You Lose!!

Splintered spikes of hatred
Abandoned, over it
You know what you guaranteed
Companion, admit it
I know
While I lived a world you created
When I said yes to less
One that you left, defenseless
While irritants uncovered
I take back any respect
You knew I suffered
Alone in that world
While you went off playing
With others, with lust
I’m familiar with the rules of the game
Oh, yes I’ve competed
And, never have I cheated
Obscure imagined, crooked to core
You thought I’d play the same
Or, I’d never played before
You ran your mouth off more
Than a 1$ Singapore whore
Dropped your lovers’ secrets
Spoke like a bitch, an ex wife
You flung whispered promises
It meant nothing, no second thought
Dalliance with dark night
That was trust you compromised
And, it shouldn’t be sold…or bought
I am awake, I will never sleep
A distance sustained
If I believe what I hear
It’s my name you’re dropping
These days
In craven displays
Of
Manhood
Living life smiling
Revealed my secrets, intimate
I am not weakened by pain
I am immune
Don’t assume weakness
I certainly invite the contact
I defy you to say it again
This time, be a man
Say it to my face
You on flight or fight alert
You hurry to feel real hurt
If that’s how this works
I walk with back straight
It is my path, my shoes, my rules
I owe you nothing….
You Lose!

Photos by my two most favored artists:
Roberto Quintero
Sonia Verdu

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

Lost, I’m Found

Did you check the Lost & Found box
Did you knock on the door
Check the bathroom floor
Try all the different locks
Did you try at all?
You said you know me best
Why didn’t you find me
This was a doomed test
You should have looked harder
You said you loved me best
Did you call my name
Softly, or maybe shout it?
Did you think I was playing?
I don’t want to argue
But, I do wonder about it
I still don’t have a clue
You had all my keys
I was on my knees
I begged you please
You didn’t come
Didn’t walk, didn’t run
You didn’t look
Didn’t see, what you took
You didn’t know
Didn’t care, didn’t show
I’ve been lost for a long, cold time
I’ve been hiding, in a place in my mind
Since I learned you don’t love me
And, I am….only one of two or three
Now I’m stuck
Can’t get loose
Out of luck
I didn’t choose
Can’t be fetched
I’m not around
Cannot be dressed
Alone and bound
Throw me the key
Show me the door
I won’t be heart sore
I don’t care where you go
Just let me leave
I don’t care that you’re done
I’ll be my own release
You deal with your theft
And, I can shake this disease
You already lost my respect
When I’m loose, I’ll be perfect
I allow you your excuses
Not man enough
No truth in love
Right now, to me, you’re useless

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

The Ghost of You

The Ghost of You
The ghost of you…visits uninvited
Adrenaline spikes, frightened
They told me I am strong enough
To break free
No warning that I’d feel a twitch,
Where you used to be
They never said how long is enough
To separate you from me
They never explained the phantom itch
Where your source used to be
I trusted when I was unsure
I rusted from inside, denied cure
I lusted in the longest nights
Tormented thoughts relay slights
It didn’t diminish
It didn’t help finish
The tale that was we two
Or the ending that stays too new
Even as days turn; months to years
And I’m replaced by memory
This trickery
Will be my death
On knees I will confess
And the Ghost I see
Will not be confused,
The mirror I believe
Or shadows I choose
This contemplation of loss
Is in my mind, and I watch
A spectator sport
This choice, this last resort
Finds how to say goodbye
While I Disallow hope,
Scourge clean caustic soap
To carry on, as always
Even Exempted, I’m less these days
I brake, I fail, I call
The best of my love,
Was my greatest fall

Photo:
Little Blue by Aimee Stewart

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress

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