Hushed Voices
In the next room
rise and fall,
though words sound small
The end too soon
Tries to recall
An opening, a ridge, a view
To a beginning
Converse spinning
A coping, a bridge, when new
Hushed Voices
In the next room
Mine urgent, pleading
Yours distant, misleading
Become loud voices
The end too soon
Become loud choices
As I leave the room



I slept on the floor, in the lounge –
Too much you all around
I waited for the phone, perhaps your key
There’s no-one home, Its always only me
And, so I learned not to bother you
Not to care what it is you do
You stayed away
I cried each day
That was my first door
Crutch gone, see me fall
I made it to the kitchen
I slept in minutes
Dramatic increments
That came with waves of a shot glass
My long hair hung lank
My body stank, of before
When I kissed you,
The last, and; body betrayed
‘Cos even my broken scream stayed
Bounced around, while
I Sat in the corner
Blackened feet on the table
Eyes bleached grey destroyer
I did as much as I was able
I sat until another day went away
My eyes seeking a savior
Didn’t go out
Didn’t shout
The hatred built like euphoria
I said, “Remember this…”
A thousand times
I said, “No goodbye kiss..”
A thousand lies
I said, “You did this…”
A thousand tries
Still, only emptiness beside me
None to hold within these arms
Just the same as it will always be
The same as it always was
Can’t conceive how I held on
All this time that you’ve been gone

I think of you

I think of you
When the night is quiet
And winter steals light early
And Fathers are home
Rushing from work seeking refuge
In pots of curry or split pea soup
I think of you
When Mothers shout supper time
And children end street soccer
And run to welcoming homes
Hot baths and scrubbed cheeks
And checked homework
Where homes house Gran and Grandpa
Enfolded with love and Security
I think of you
When the seas high tide brings
Sea weed, debris and salted water
The aroma carries me
Knowing Summer’s promise waits once again
Beyond claimed sandy footprints, or
The “I love you” etched in sand
When I lived happiness
When you held my hand
I think of you
When my heart is breaking
And Winter is endless
Iced over rapture and hope
I think of you
I do
I think of you
And I choke



Sadness that enters bone
Tissue, sinew and blood
To My soul
Where you Shove
Map stars to some other destiny
Tortuous travel unbidden
You leave me, I taste your felony
The melancholy rides
No sunrise, no moon, no birdsong
Contentment hurries away to hide
Scurries away shadows long
Can lift that cloak of damage
I lift chin proudly
“I can manage…”
But, jaw is brick and plaster
Awaiting the moment it shatters
Lips tremble and bite disaster
Until sadness is all that matters
It is all I taste
It is alone
Wherever the place
It is home
Where always I wait
It is you
It is us in our waste
The tears fill and fall
Sadness is me
Now we are no more

I Am


Truth is I am not right
I make mistakes
Then make it my fight
I have had company
And I’ve been alone
I’ve been homeless
And I’ve had a home
So I keep busy
I make something from nothing
Insomnia makes me dizzy
At the back of my head
Sleep stalks seeking entry
But, you are Always present
Predator cracking mirrors
Self ordained sentry
Soot lashes in slivers
I Frame the things you’ve said
During your stay at Condo Grey
Eviction “Get the Fuck outta my head!”~ Ignored, you dutifully stay
Surviving and reportedly fine
Most of the time, but
I am your bruised cheeks
I am your tenderness
I am your electric noise
I am your bad choice boys
And I am our silence
I am the fallen blade
I am your Sunday high
I am every Fuck you gave
I am your baby’s sigh
I am every goodbye
I am you almost brave
I am you insane
There is no formula
I cannot calculate, or
Define denied development
That Loves as it gives up
I am my Yan & my Yin
I forever thirst
That Cursed burst cup
Give up before I begin
I release before I catch
Teardrops grin in pain
I gratefully light this match
And I ~ Burn burn burn
I am your laughter
I am your breath
I am your freedom
I am our death



It Kills Me


3 perfect scratches
Not made by me
And it kills me
It’s all I see
2 perfect catches
I wish I’d never caught
The lie is comfortable
Though illusion was taught
Reality is I know more about you
By what you don’t say
By what you don’t choose
And even used
At the end of the day
I am content
I am comfortably bent
Yes it kills me
You are all I can see
Your love fills me
And I despise my need
My love kills me
You are the best I’ll ever be…


The Battle is Real


The wind carried a stench
Charred meat turned
My heart you would not eat
Salty air lingers
Caresses my cheek
I cannot move
Zombie eyes and fingers
Heat that puts me to sleep
Of words I cannot speak
The distant death bell clatters
I am not my intention
The outcome is all that matters
Sporadic giggle in hyena vowels
Of love I could not save
Drill the path to hellish bowels
Acidic turned sacred mountain
Beneath an ancient dust
Yet ~ Move my feet I must
Numb with disbelief

On Forgetfulness

“Yet each disappointment Ted 
felt in his wife, each 
incremental deflation, was 
accompanied by a seizure of 
guilt; many years ago, he had 
taken the passion he felt for 
Susan and folded it in half, so 
he no longer had a drowning, 
helpless feeling when he 
glimpsed her beside him in 
bed: her ropy arms and soft, 
generous ass. Then he’d 
folded it in half again, so 
when he felt desire for Susan, 
it no longer brought with it an 
edgy terror of never being 
satisfied. Then in half again, 
so that feeling desire entailed 
no immediate need to act. 
Then in half again, so he 
hardly felt it. His desire was 
so small in the end that Ted 
could slip it inside his desk or 
a pocket and forget about it, 
and this gave him a feeling of 
safety and accomplishment, 
of having dismantled a 
perilous apparatus that might 
have crushed them both. 
Susan was baffled at first, 
then distraught; she’d hit him 
twice across the face; she’d 
run from the house in a 
thunderstorm and slept at a 
motel; she’d wrestled Ted to 
the bedroom floor in a pair of 
black crotchless underpants. 
But eventually a sort of 
amnesia had overtaken 
Susan; her rebellion and hurt 
had melted away, deliquesced 
into a sweet, eternal 
sunniness that was terrible in 
the way that life would be 
terrible, Ted supposed, 
without death to give it 
gravitas and shape. He’d 
presumed at first that her 
relentless cheer was mocking, 
another phase in her 
rebellion, until it came to him 
that Susan had forgotten how 
things were between them 
before Ted began to fold up 
his desire; she’d forgotten and 
was happy — had never not 
been happy — and while all 
of this bolstered his awe at 
the gymnastic adaptability of 
the human mind, it also made 
him feel that his wife had 
been brainwashed. By him.” 
― Jennifer Egan, A Visit from 
the Goon Squad 



I’ve got this


These strangers who touch me‎
Who wash me clean, gritty and shiny‎‎
I am not less without you guiding me ‎
I heard myself say,
“‎I‎ don’t mind the pain,‎
It’s the hope that kills me‎
‎…again and again “‎
I recognized truth‎
I didn’t leave it behind ‎
I am free‎
Because the more things change,‎
the more they stay the same‎
I read s‎omewhere‎
The diagnosis‎: is ‎psychosis ‎
But, it is not my truth
I am too honestly insane‎
That scandalous deceit ‎
It is love for love’s sake ‎
           It Breaks t‎he blazing knife‎
Embraces the liars I have endured
Make it easier to take‎
I h‎ang back‎ – ‎Hyper vigilant‎
Paranoia rolls with attack‎
The delusions, ‎
they worm into an abyss ‎
The real and the dream‎
Will both fight to stay awake‎‎
I remember safety in your arms ‎
That it smothered me, 
until it was gone‎
– and I could not breathe at all‎
Your words climbed into my head ‎
And over fed, they live there ‎now‎
Despite all‎ who have shared my poison
    I care‎ even less now, without compassion 
As time fills laughter lines‎
When all I’ve done is cry‎‎
I know it can never be ‎
a‎s it was before‎
Silence is easier‎ than ‎
The banging at your door ‎
The truth is inside me‎ ‎
And I w‎ill never wish you well‎
I draw your essence from my heart 
             And feed that fire
                     maybe you cannot  tell‎
That  it‎ burns me to my soul‎
The knowledge a blackened stone ‎
           Hurts me more than just alone
‎Impossible love, I let you go‎
       Lifted lifeless , without  malice‎
                   Don’t worry love, I’ve got this ‎


Karmic Ride

Drip drip drip
Her insurance
Bottled Morphine
The bitter pain she has seen
Your deliverance
A rebuttal
And take the stand
Call your witness
No-one will hold your hand
Trip trip trip
She drags you between
Her persistence
And admired esteem
Don’t care about your story
She knows where you have been
Strip strip strip
Until eventually clean
Relentless layers
Takes confession in stride
She is dementia
She admits it
Remains a matter of pride
Hit hit hit
But, you will never get her
She is wrath
She is forgiven
The aftermath a guarantee
She is scorched from within
Spit split shift
You forgot repercussion
Thought it nothing
Until you were seen
I’m not one for rushing
You know what I mean
Admit it
You are guilty
And it eats you just like me
Beg redemption
Beg reception
Perhaps she’ll set you free
Quick quick quick
Sip from her Karmic cup
Neutralize the spill
Eventually look up
Realize it is all uphill
An easy ride, perhaps
Just made you easier to catch

Photo courtesy of:
Lauryn Hill – The law of Karma

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

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