Benevolent

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I feel wronged
And, I have wronged you, too
Me ~ Taken advantage of
Chewed and spat out
Not to their liking
A touch too exotic
A touch too bothersome
And, so easy to let go
Scapegoat ~ easily nothing beneath their feet
This flesh aged by No
These wrinkles my severance
Those punches came as handshakes
They came to inspire
Then when I dared disagree
They came harder and higher
Little educated bites of shame
So, when I shut my mouth
When with quiet dignity took blame
While they wore suits…
and brandished their big names
In court rooms
And boardrooms
And bedrooms
I betrayed you, Women
I could not stay you
Now you hate me
This disillusion filled spite monger
because I dare You,
Stand!
As I could not
Speak!
Shout the Freedom I won for you
Rage the injustice
Those hushed orders issued
After long days in pseudo gratitude ~ Gone!
For a wage that fed
For the family you’d tend
While the soul ran red
For fist slammed on desk
…to show authority
For his shouted superiority
Whose?
No quiet acceptance
No more
No nodding, no agreeing
Yes, it is our benevolent light…
And; I say:
Fight for your voice
Raise it
For your fortitude
You made it
For your daughter
So save her
Fight for yourself
Fight before God
Fight for what is right
Or, all you have is the start
of ĺittle deaths, over and over
…then debilitating ones ~
…then Hope dies &
when that goes, fall…

…as fight l🌹eaves the soul
And then…too late.
Because child; you are Me…
And, We
And fight fears night
The righteousness silenced
By too many swallowed words
By the quietness of violence
And; ultimately our God betrayed
Women ~ We have always prayed
Stand Tall, Speak Loudly, Defended
We are glorious, we are as God Intended

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Moonbeam

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It’s a sad sad lullaby
And baby’s already dead
It’s a sad sad goodbye
When we put love to bed

And moon crescent, wane grow full
We stand in winter light
We hold on tightly still
To moonbeams that crash and spill
When Jack kicks Jill – down that hill

Into rose garden
Into forest green
Into love forgotten
Where pain rules supreme

Moonbeam……
Where do you lead?
Your light that flickers, bedside bleed
Rose pricks, forest lost –
Fairytale disaster
Happy ever after
To storybook lie, happily denied

Faerie princess, take moonbeam ride
Come home soon
I’ll wait though I’m tired

 

For Kayleah

This Woman, Human

I’ve Heard many things
Sugar and spice,
all things nice
The smile this brings
The female of the species is a snake
Or perhaps she’s sometimes fake
I think she sheds her skin
Allows strength from within
Behind every great man is a great woman
But beware what the shrew has brewing
Mother, Nurturer, Sister, daughter
Friend – This is woman, human
I’ve heard hell hath no fury
Like a woman scorned
What did you expect,
if she wasn’t warned
Bitch, loose, lazy, manipulative, vacuous – This is woman, human
She wasn’t born innocuous
The Women I’ve known are stronger
Than most of you
Your words are cruel, no doubt
But she waits no longer
For approval, she may shout
Out of windows, or her child’s name
Women hurt, they change
They cannot stay the same
Yet, first to lay blame
Upon her own shoulders
Whore, puritan, dreamer, mistaken, loyal, This is woman, human
Women line up like well trained soldiers
Like the war is real, rages
Across failure and successful stages
Alike, Head held high
Proud of tears, and released sigh
These women I’ve known
All my life
She picks it up, knits it, binds it, repairs it, cares for it.
Humble or alone, they call it home
Warrior, nurse, lover, broken, whole,
This is Woman, Human
Cut off from the world
I forget I am woman,
Breathe deeply, fists unfurl
It doesn’t ease the tension
Words do not come,
I’m Relieved, they can’t be undone
Thoughts, so angry still
Leave life for a moment
And the hurts I cannot mention
I have lost all connection
And that’s the hardest part
When I return to here
When I remember to remember
I acknowledge this false start
Take a knife, scratch at the stain
It bleeds angry red, pulses in bursts
I admit I place the blame
I admit it covers shame
I try to dice these hurts
Make Manageable memories
Bite sized contrite slices
Then swallow the hollow
Hiccup on these hindrances
Remove these insane instances
I try to Repair these wounds
But, I’m Too raw, to slow….
Too soon for no more
To Remove these cushions
Of blood and bone and heart
To Remove…..You
Knowing, I’m alone, I remove me too
Whatever I deny now
I lose in the insistence of why
To remove cloak of invisibility
To remember that you see
My Discrepancy
To know I will never again be
The light you give her
When I return to here
When I remember to remember
I hate, I miss, I regret
So for one more day, I forget

I think of you

I think of you
When the night is quiet
And winter steals light early
And Fathers are home
Rushing from work seeking refuge
In pots of curry or split pea soup
I think of you
When Mothers shout supper time
And children end street soccer
And run to welcoming homes
Hot baths and scrubbed cheeks
And checked homework
Where homes house Gran and Grandpa
Enfolded with love and Security
I think of you
When the seas high tide brings
Sea weed, debris and salted water
The aroma carries me
Knowing Summer’s promise waits once again
Beyond claimed sandy footprints, or
The “I love you” etched in sand
When I lived happiness
When you held my hand
I think of you
When my heart is breaking
And Winter is endless
Iced over rapture and hope
I think of you
I do
I think of you
And I choke

I Am

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Truth is I am not right
I make mistakes
Then make it my fight
I have had company
And I’ve been alone
I’ve been homeless
And I’ve had a home
So I keep busy
I make something from nothing
Insomnia makes me dizzy
At the back of my head
Sleep stalks seeking entry
But, you are Always present
Predator cracking mirrors
Self ordained sentry
Soot lashes in slivers
I Frame the things you’ve said
During your stay at Condo Grey
Eviction “Get the Fuck outta my head!”~ Ignored, you dutifully stay
Surviving and reportedly fine
Most of the time, but
I am your bruised cheeks
I am your tenderness
I am your electric noise
I am your bad choice boys
And I am our silence
I am the fallen blade
I am your Sunday high
I am every Fuck you gave
I am your baby’s sigh
I am every goodbye
I am you almost brave
I am you insane
There is no formula
I cannot calculate, or
Define denied development
That Loves as it gives up
I am my Yan & my Yin
I forever thirst
That Cursed burst cup
Give up before I begin
I release before I catch
Teardrops grin in pain
Iridescent
I gratefully light this match
And I ~ Burn burn burn
Until
I am your laughter
I am your breath
I am your freedom
I am our death

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I Am Here

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If I could only sleep, I think it would all go away. The reruns and the constant self-flaying bullshit – until all my head is, is cotton wool and storm drains; ebbing always away and into nothing. So that I am nothing – only a vast ocean of my bad choices and guilt. And really, how else are we supposed to live, if not to acknowledge our misdeeds and the fault lines that lay within all of us? To pick at it until it explodes? See how much pressure it can take… realistically.
Emotional pressure points – God only knows until we do too, and fuck up anew.

I watched a movie based on a novel by Stephen Elliot, it has the lines: “Validation is a helluva thing..” and he answers “The truth is fucked up”. And that’s my entire life in two sentences – I’m constantly trying to validate what I’ve already fucked up, and continue to fuck up on a daily basis. Because I cannot sleep so I cannot process so I cannot heal or find the sense in my actions.
Mostly though, it’s just me; inside my head, berating myself on every level. And let’s face it, who would want that kinda shit as a daily cheerleader? Bound to get tangled inside of words and actions and dreams and disillusionment that just go nowhere. Except, here. I am here.

Wide awake and terrorised by my own thoughts. My imagination is a scarey and wondrous place.
I would prefer not to live there.

But, I do.
I am.
I am here.

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South Africa, Home

I was born the blonde of Big Bay sands
My eyes blue, with remembered tears
Cornrows of wheat strands
Where warriors stood atop Devil’s peak
And all knew the language I speak
I sang remembrance in a drum beat
And ushered in the sunrise
My fists curled as I raized the sun
With Zulu spear and thong
My ancestral home, Cradle of Mankind
This is where I belong
If you look toward the rainbow
And hear every colour in a song
The people I love are everywhere I go
Amid generations of Mother ululation
A new world built from ashes
Formed glorious in creation
With a mountain backdrop
Protea landfills and graceful Springbok
Where rock worn waves crash
In pride that will never stop
The rush of Rugby and Cricket
The regeneration of aloe and love
Betting on handshakes and Acacia
The Big Five, gold, diamond mining
Heat that enfolds me close
Coal fed with dreaded timing
Ever hardened I flower Cacti
Arid splinters, rough heeled I chose
to hold back the sea that brings flood
While salted eyes fix in prayer above
Inhaled scented centuries of blood
Spilled when I walked barefoot
Across the Sub Sahara plains
My soul at peace understood
These my footprints are the stains
As my home turned and returned
We are all just human remains
Our lessons too well learned
This is my heart and in it I see Forever
I aim for the highest peak
This is our land, we live it together
Breadth as wide as it is deep
This is our home, we will make it better
‘Til honeyed fields our children greet
South Africa, Home
Umuzi, Tuiste, Kediaman ~ Ikhaya

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

Whispers in another room

A voice in another room
Speaks too quietly
Expecting answers far too soon
I try, cry – is it only me
But, the words seem to know
And; the voice in the other room
Seems always stuck on slow
Decipher decisions
Before I’m freed
Decided the visions
Before I agreed
If this was ordained
I missed the blessing
Instead I’m left to bleed
On knees I’m confessing
When will the pain end, let me be
When words cease and set me free?
The story of a life, less friend
I go where you cannot be
Your voice is a mere whisper
But spoken truthfully
As the dusk becomes the dawn
A scream inside my body
Becomes an aching yawn
Memory takes a back seat
While voices in another room
Replace the voices I might meet
I pray memory remains kind
Because my hearing is just fine
Cotton curtains play with the wind
When the silence is most profound
I hear the Angels sing
Your voice in that other room
Has a clarity that’s too loud
Is it the death bell that they ring
Every utterance a clear refrain
You left us far too soon
I think God has enough Angels
It’s just wrong to take you, too
Your voice now crystal clear,
Beloved words, they are not new….
You say, “I love you, now be strong…”
I know there is a purpose
I know I cannot fight
But, in doing this disservice
It only proves that I am right
Still the whisper in another room
Is gone when I put on the light

Photos Courtesy of:

Missnikiii.blogspot.com
The Untouchable Ghost:
A short story by Miss Niki * Must Read *

Epic Fantasy – Lita Burke
Litaburke.com

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

The Grey Mother

I am the Grey Mother
Don’t want to see your face
Your smile like paste – hides teeth
That bite at the world
At my womb
At my soul
You knock and I won’t open
I shut it, even with one foot in the door
My Motherhood splayed, for all to see
On the floor, in the street – be discreet
While you take more and then more
Like some score I’m not aware of
Until the tree of me
Does not exist in this life
And, I pray for none in the next
I pat myself, say I did my best
Yet lock windows and doors
And now I don’t invest
Motherhood – you broke me
Think I misunderstood
Motherhood – let go of me
I’d cry, now all I am is wood

Photo Credit:
Mother Nature by Daborien
Wolf by Susan Boulet

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

Dreamcatcher – Put Sadness to Bed

Early Hours.
Vision blurs
My eyes as tired as my heart
And each time they close
Nightmare stirs
And I’m drowning in the dark
Reality lays next to me
Plays with my hair
That 3am infant, colic despair
With coaxing I’m coping
I accept an all nighter
And wrap blanket tighter
My 4am friend, intention pretend
To listen and advise
Understanding mindless surprise
In whispers seems somehow wise
My 5am lover, a dreamy affair
The itch begins, goes nowhere
Beneath my skin,
It squirms remembered him
My 6am Mother, lovingly covers
And encapsulates decades in lock box
Hums soothing drowns…..softly
Infant, lover or friend
She Says sleep now memory
As she puts sadness to bed…..

Photos Courtesy of:
dream_catcher_meehoo_by tomatocrunch.deviantart.com
insomnia_by_nova63-gwendolin1~deviantart.com

Posted By PastelPoetry from WordPress © 2001

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