Listen ~ Hear

He asked, “why don’t you listen?”

I shut my mouth

Eyes glistened, but

I did not scream inside my doubt

My tears not allowed

I felt my defiance

Euphoria needs out

As it rose up 

It let me shout

Never again

Not tonight

Refusal less expected 

Than just another fight 

He said, “Come with me…”

Grabbed painfully

I felt those shackles

And, I shrugged free

I felt those demons 

I let them loose

Above and below

Love’s sick noose

Enamoured ~

They embrace you slowly

Dance, dance, dance

And, NOW you know me…

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Self-Managed

I slept on the floor, in the lounge –
Too much you all around
I waited for the phone, perhaps your key
There’s no-one home, Its always only me
And, so I learned not to bother you
Not to care what it is you do
You stayed away
I cried each day
That was my first door
Crutch gone, see me fall
I made it to the kitchen
I slept in minutes
Dramatic increments
That came with waves of a shot glass
My long hair hung lank
My body stank, of before
When I kissed you,
The last, and; body betrayed
‘Cos even my broken scream stayed
Bounced around, while
I Sat in the corner
Blackened feet on the table
Eyes bleached grey destroyer
I did as much as I was able
I sat until another day went away
My eyes seeking a savior
Didn’t go out
Didn’t shout
The hatred built like euphoria
I said, “Remember this…”
A thousand times
I said, “No goodbye kiss..”
A thousand lies
I said, “You did this…”
A thousand tries
Still, only emptiness beside me
None to hold within these arms
Just the same as it will always be
The same as it always was
Can’t conceive how I held on
All this time that you’ve been gone

Forgetting

rake torn bitten nails 
Down lonely hollow spine
I raise perfect sails
I am poised for the climb 
I whisper to nobody
While I kiss you goodbye 
On your forehead 
As if you were friend
And I prepare the descent
Because you were never mine
Not even to hold one more time
Though rolling clouds sweep Cobwebs of pale blue skies
I am sadly reluctant to release 
I am my pale cheeks 
Streaked ashen with memory
while I…..
Slip into comfortable forgetting 
Slip into the deepest blue
Slip into night less moon light 
Slip into day less you.
Slip into something true
Slip into what was said 
Slip into somewhere different 
Try anything 
Because without you
I’m slipping away instead 



















I Am

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Truth is I am not right
I make mistakes
Then make it my fight
I have had company
And I’ve been alone
I’ve been homeless
And I’ve had a home
So I keep busy
I make something from nothing
Insomnia makes me dizzy
At the back of my head
Sleep stalks seeking entry
But, you are Always present
Predator cracking mirrors
Self ordained sentry
Soot lashes in slivers
I Frame the things you’ve said
During your stay at Condo Grey
Eviction “Get the Fuck outta my head!”~ Ignored, you dutifully stay
Surviving and reportedly fine
Most of the time, but
I am your bruised cheeks
I am your tenderness
I am your electric noise
I am your bad choice boys
And I am our silence
I am the fallen blade
I am your Sunday high
I am every Fuck you gave
I am your baby’s sigh
I am every goodbye
I am you almost brave
I am you insane
There is no formula
I cannot calculate, or
Define denied development
That Loves as it gives up
I am my Yan & my Yin
I forever thirst
That Cursed burst cup
Give up before I begin
I release before I catch
Teardrops grin in pain
Iridescent
I gratefully light this match
And I ~ Burn burn burn
Until
I am your laughter
I am your breath
I am your freedom
I am our death

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It Kills Me

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3 perfect scratches
Not made by me
And it kills me
It’s all I see
2 perfect catches
I wish I’d never caught
The lie is comfortable
Though illusion was taught
Reality is I know more about you
By what you don’t say
By what you don’t choose
And even used
At the end of the day
I am content
I am comfortably bent
Yes it kills me
You are all I can see
Your love fills me
And I despise my need
My love kills me
You are the best I’ll ever be…

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Animal is Female – Did you know?

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Change is coming
It rides without mercy
Like apocalyptic horses
Foaming with surety
I’ll be running
I’ll be turning
Always
I welcome the hurting
I usher in the night .
This cataclysmic burning
Breathed deeply
Finally I am learning
Even a tamed dog
Can incite her Master
You didn’t spare the rod
And now I come faster
I bite the hand that strikes
And; growl my laughter

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Stop

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Are you done now?
Did you tame the beast?
Find yourself somehow?
Looking West and travelling East
Stop this insanity
Stop the self-destruction
You are a walking calamity
A talking reduction
Of what you hoped & dreamed
Looking for love
In all the wrong places
You’re pushy, you shove
Connecting with no one
Lost in faces
Brittle and abrasive
Stop
Find a mirror
Connect please do
You’re killing me
You have my eyes
But I don’t recognise you

Let it Hurt

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It hurts to see your picture
So I made you my screen saver
It hurts to remember your words
So I made them my status
I have lived long enough
To know
The joy of confronted pain
It’s how I heal
It’s how I will love again

Pretty

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I should pretend
Pretty in lipstick & rouge
Because
I said
It doesn’t matter to me
And you are excused
I cannot love you
Anyway
I floundered – did some crazy shit
When I was waking up
And, I did not realise it
Growth in crazy stops & starts
Made me bolder
Careless with others hearts
Selfish after selflessness
An adjustment I still welcome
After too many lonely nights
Bad luck cornered denied sun
Made me colder
Until Summer just a euphemism
For feeling warm
And satisfaction no surfeit
In a morsel of bread
In never feeling fed
Made me lonelier
Than an empty bed
Anywhere to lay my head
For a time
Longing for a home
That died in that flood
When the storm shook me
And forsaken all, freed me
Took everyone left to need me
When even God believed
And gave me legs that walk
And eyes to see
And a mouth that could talk
If only
To take me
Away
If only
To teach me
To stay
Some lessons
Not meant
To be learned
This way
But, it matters
And you have no right
To love me
If intention only a minute
It matters you know I’m right

I matter ~
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And I am worth the fight

I’ve got this

‎‎
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These strangers who touch me‎
Who wash me clean, gritty and shiny‎‎
I am not less without you guiding me ‎
I heard myself say,
“‎I‎ don’t mind the pain,‎
It’s the hope that kills me‎
‎…again and again “‎
I recognized truth‎
I didn’t leave it behind ‎
I am free‎
Because the more things change,‎
the more they stay the same‎
I read s‎omewhere‎
The diagnosis‎: is ‎psychosis ‎
But, it is not my truth
I am too honestly insane‎
That scandalous deceit ‎
It is love for love’s sake ‎
           It Breaks t‎he blazing knife‎
Embraces the liars I have endured
Make it easier to take‎
I h‎ang back‎ – ‎Hyper vigilant‎
Paranoia rolls with attack‎
The delusions, ‎
they worm into an abyss ‎
The real and the dream‎
Will both fight to stay awake‎‎
I remember safety in your arms ‎
That it smothered me, 
until it was gone‎
– and I could not breathe at all‎
Your words climbed into my head ‎
And over fed, they live there ‎now‎
Despite all‎ who have shared my poison
    I care‎ even less now, without compassion 
As time fills laughter lines‎
When all I’ve done is cry‎‎
I know it can never be ‎
a‎s it was before‎
Silence is easier‎ than ‎
The banging at your door ‎
The truth is inside me‎ ‎
And I w‎ill never wish you well‎
I draw your essence from my heart 
             And feed that fire
                     maybe you cannot  tell‎
That  it‎ burns me to my soul‎
The knowledge a blackened stone ‎
           Hurts me more than just alone
‎Impossible love, I let you go‎
       Lifted lifeless , without  malice‎
                   Don’t worry love, I’ve got this ‎

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