God Blinks An Eye

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We are told to continue to pray, with Faith and to believe. That God does things for His reasons and answers prayers in His time. Then, too, we are told that our lives are a blink of His eye. Did you Blink God and not hear me? Did I disappoint You so badly that you cannot bear to hear me, my sobs, my anguish, my loss and my helplessness – did it extend to nonchalance at the gritty hurt of insecurity, pain & homelessness?

I can remember that the only things I was sure I wanted in this life: a home for myself and my kids, somewhere safe and where nobody could make me go, finally secure. Where I’d cook and clean and welcome my family in from the world outside and we would share togetherness.

This never happened. Instead we were pushed to sleeping in parks, on pavements, dirty and unkempt, losing everything, losing dignity, losing hope. Still, I prayed. You know I did.

The only other thing I ever wanted was to feel and believe that I was loved. Perhaps a man who showed with actions not just words, that leaving me was not an option. Obviously, I can never believe that now and I accepted a long time ago that to be alone and single is my preference – I just do not believe this is possible. Anyone willing to love me would need to love my broken children – and I will never accept that such a man exists.

Failing all that, the love of my children would have (should) sufficed; fill some void and that would be enough. This, too, has never happened. They love me because they have to, but there is no intensity of emotion or loyalty toward me. I’m just the person who carries the blame and broke everything further.

I cannot remember ever not trying. Not doing all I can for them. Bargaining, hospitals, courts, clothes, food, work and more work. Beaten to save them from being beaten. Weak in so many ways that the guilt lives inside of me.

I no longer try. I will run only if I have absolutely no choice. I will walk away when disrespected. I will accept my failures and my inability to “fix”. I stay without food and I stay inside an ailing body. I cannot care anymore.  And, still I do not hear God. That kills me the most. I am not waiting for “breakthrough” and promises of “Amens” for money are just offensive – wise up!

I will wake up (on any given day) and I will find laughter or I will remain sad, with my reminiscences of love, those I loved and lost to death or betrayal. It is okay, either way. I do not expect miracles because we squander them – they are tiny feet, rainbows, a people united by thousands in solidarity against war or injustice, forgiveness, orgasms, hugs, a homeless person sharing his last food,  We, the blind, we, the deaf – praying praying praying – while God safely blinks an eye…Because He already gifted us our miracles. I am positive he hoped Humanity would not squander them.

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Benevolent

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I feel wronged
And, I have wronged you, too
Me ~ Taken advantage of
Chewed and spat out
Not to their liking
A touch too exotic
A touch too bothersome
And, so easy to let go
Scapegoat ~ easily nothing beneath their feet
This flesh aged by No
These wrinkles my severance
Those punches came as handshakes
They came to inspire
Then when I dared disagree
They came harder and higher
Little educated bites of shame
So, when I shut my mouth
When with quiet dignity took blame
While they wore suits…
and brandished their big names
In court rooms
And boardrooms
And bedrooms
I betrayed you, Women
I could not stay you
Now you hate me
This disillusion filled spite monger
because I dare You,
Stand!
As I could not
Speak!
Shout the Freedom I won for you
Rage the injustice
Those hushed orders issued
After long days in pseudo gratitude ~ Gone!
For a wage that fed
For the family you’d tend
While the soul ran red
For fist slammed on desk
…to show authority
For his shouted superiority
Whose?
No quiet acceptance
No more
No nodding, no agreeing
Yes, it is our benevolent light…
And; I say:
Fight for your voice
Raise it
For your fortitude
You made it
For your daughter
So save her
Fight for yourself
Fight before God
Fight for what is right
Or, all you have is the start
of ĺittle deaths, over and over
…then debilitating ones ~
…then Hope dies &
when that goes, fall…

…as fight l🌹eaves the soul
And then…too late.
Because child; you are Me…
And, We
And fight fears night
The righteousness silenced
By too many swallowed words
By the quietness of violence
And; ultimately our God betrayed
Women ~ We have always prayed
Stand Tall, Speak Loudly, Defended
We are glorious, we are as God Intended

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Your pills, not mine

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Distant now
My hopeful childhood steps
Before
Hours embraced days
Those Dark Days that chased weeks
And weeks that seduced years
The only constant that quiet ticking
The seconds most sure of their importance
These catastrophes they’ve brought us
or laughter from the belly up
…..and out into the world
Unhinged euphoria!
Before sadness and happiness
Felt symbiotically within hours ~ could not coexist….
Doctor’s script
And, so labelled: My impossible ~ Bipolar or Manic
Given pills to remedy
Told, “Hold her steady…”
For a madness that was quite ordinary ~ ¿
Exhilarating voracious wonder ~ Gone
You broke me, that’s how you won.

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Listen ~ Hear

He asked, “why don’t you listen?”

I shut my mouth

Eyes glistened, but

I did not scream inside my doubt

My tears not allowed

I felt my defiance

Euphoria needs out

As it rose up 

It let me shout

Never again

Not tonight

Refusal less expected 

Than just another fight 

He said, “Come with me…”

Grabbed painfully

I felt those shackles

And, I shrugged free

I felt those demons 

I let them loose

Above and below

Love’s sick noose

Enamoured ~

They embrace you slowly

Dance, dance, dance

And, NOW you know me…

It Didn’t 

You intrigued me. 

I waited for mystery to end. 

It didn’t. 

You stayed at my side. 

I waited for irritation to begin. 

It didn’t. 

You loved me. I waited for it to go away. 

It didn’t.

You asked me to hope. I do.

You asked me to live. I will.

You asked me to be brave. I can.

You never asked me to wait. 

You know I will.

You never asked me to remember. 

You know I will. 

You never asked me to love. 

You know I do.

A Soldier’s Birthday

PastelPoetry

fb_img_14706037659044am – I guess I’m a day older
Don’t know when
But somehow I’ve folded
When I’m stopped
When I’m locked
In awkward conversation
Why didn’t I turn out amazing
Like they predicted
Instead, I Became afflicted
With the business of life
Became addicted
To a man as his wife
Left success
Left a mess
I can’t fathom a guess
Of my 1st wrong turn
or that worm of concern
Wriggling, In my grave
At the age
At that stage
When I should have been glorious
Or of Shaken fist
victorious
Instead, I ran to hide
And life locked me inside
A vice like grip
or a banged up lip
And my pride stripped
When strength tripped
And I fell once too much
But, I’ve felt the heat
Of the Queen’s seat
I may not be all I wished
With certainty failed
But, Despite all of this
I Remember this…

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Moonbeam

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It’s a sad sad lullaby
And baby’s already dead
It’s a sad sad goodbye
When we put love to bed

And moon crescent, wane grow full
We stand in winter light
We hold on tightly still
To moonbeams that crash and spill
When Jack kicks Jill – down that hill

Into rose garden
Into forest green
Into love forgotten
Where pain rules supreme

Moonbeam……
Where do you lead?
Your light that flickers, bedside bleed
Rose pricks, forest lost –
Fairytale disaster
Happy ever after
To storybook lie, happily denied

Faerie princess, take moonbeam ride
Come home soon
I’ll wait though I’m tired

 

For Kayleah

Solitude

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Solitude
The meeting of your soul
When you instinctively connect
Earn your own respect
Converse, meeting in your mind
Discuss, times you were so blind
Readjust, images in your head
Make your peace
With what is gone, said
At the table of solitude
Humbled sit down
Eat the pie I share with you
Give this contract a signature
Solitude
When the pain outside
Collides
And finds its way inside
Reconciled, a fixture
Take what’s broken and deliver
Take what was spoken to oblivion
Release mental chains
In solitude
In attitude
And gratitude
Meet me, because I love you
Greet me, and I will cover you
With these blessings you deny
While I dry every tear cried
And truth the lies
In solitude
Become as one
You are my mirror
Who I’ve become
Let me embrace you
In solitude
So that I don’t erase you
In regret
I am the heart of you
Join me,
I am a part of you
Be free
Come home
You are not alone
Even In solitude
Just we two
Where we can start anew
And no more need to miss you

 

Touching Magic

I am not of this world
My fists unfurl
And nights hold wonder
I am not of this world
I cannot hold anger
I cannot linger
Any longer
Than necessary
Enchanted
By the beauty of beat
Under my feet
I move above the ground
Though searched
And never found
A promised love
Enchanted
Nevertheless
By these people I meet
In and out the street
Where I grew up
Enchanted
I confess
Even with little magic
Even with a God
Who does not answer
I believe
Sight only imagined
But, I’ve felt His hand
In words I speak
I am crushed
Beneath
Huge banners and purity peak
Still enchanted
By this hope in me
I wish too loudly
And it broke free
I let it be
and still sigh at a moon full
Cry when my womb died
When I loved too soon
And had to release
Enchanted, perhaps
A bit less so
Now that I know
that magic is old
It has no boundary
Except those we seek
I close my eyes
Enchanted, ancient
These arms too patient
And at crossroads
As the blood flows
And the land snows
Me in, me out, me under
Above the cords of thunder
Enchanted, remain
With me forever
This is a stain
A type of love and lover
I am not of this world
If with this love I cover
Your every sin and blunder
Enchanted
By the time
I was here
You were near
My dance partner
Bare footed and protected
By magic and ever after

Safety

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There’s safety in numbers
In not been alone
I’d have a plus one
If you’d answer your phone
There’s safety in secrets
Though no guarantee
A secret is as safe
As the person you believe
There’s safety indoors
If the locks are in place
But, even boarded up
I can feel fear’s face
There’s a safety in a lie
If by omission meant
But, If he can’t shut up
Omission is bent
There’s safety in stories
In sharing our history
I retell for perspective
Feel free to ignore me
There’s safety in nothing
I wish I could lie
The trick, my darling
Is to look me in the eye
There’s safety in love
When it is done just right
So far, I’m still fearful
And, alone every night
So far, I am safety
I stay slow, I lay low
I lock all I see
And so far, for safety
I befriend only me

 

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