Press Send

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You said,
“Must I teach you everything?”
And Making love became fucking
Just like that
You made me nothing
You told me what to do
How to do it
How to speak
When to do it
I asked you questions
You refused to answer
Innocent of defection
I tried to please you
It was a disaster
You have no right
To take me
Knowing I am Broken
I Am My Fight
And then you broke me harder
Without the affection
You’re withholding
I’m sincere but insecure
Every inch I’ve won folding
You said,
“You’re fucking only me now.”
And Yes that made me happy
Admit I’m crushed how that can be
I said,
“Can’t you be kind?”
Instead of tenderness
You nearly blew my mind
I asked,
“Why won’t you kiss me?”
Didn’t mean to let it out
I wish I’d shut my mouth
I cried,
“God, you’re frustrating.”
Instead of giving me some hope
Laughed at my unoriginal joke

But then we slept
And you searched for me
Your hands, your legs, your body
They told me you are sorry
Turned to kiss me still asleep
Held my long hair tightly gripped
Crushed me with your need
I saw you when control slipped
You said,
“Look at me!”
And then I really did
I saw the hurt you keep well hid
Oh, my love I’ll never leave

I said,
“You really don’t like me?”
When You ignored me like before
Bewildered, it hurt even more

I wrote,
“Goodbye, I’m not calling you again.”
My heart had had enough
Shaking as I pressed send
I know I knew it then
I know it had to end

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Silence

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I am a woman who feels
Deeply
With truth
I’ve hurt from the best
Said goodbye to my youth
You believe yourself above
These things
An orator of finite beliefs
But your silence hurts me
With the insecurity it brings
Made me beg the question:
What’s wrong with me?
And that is not acceptable
I will not live with less
I’d rather return to…
Nothingness
Still not sure if All my Alone
Has damaged me beyond repair
I only know when I love
I need to feel you there
I only know for me
It is Essential that you care
Intimacy is giving
From that Well where we all hide
It’s knocking at a door
Hoping to come inside
And I refuse to be a lesser me
Left on some threshold
If You cannot welcome me in
Then You leave me in the cold
Goodbyes for me are easy
It’s the loving that is hard
If you found it difficult to please me
Remember all I offered
For one word, one kiss, one meaning
If still you offer reticence
Then you are less than what you seemed
I will not suffer by your absence
Relieved you’re less than pleased
I only want to say
What’s really wrong with you?
If in treating me this way,
You’re the one who seems so used?
And even though you wouldn’t stay,
It’s both of us who get away?
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Broken Rules

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After you left
I restored order
From chaotic love
That filled every corner
The mess we made
Joined bedding on the floor
Jewellery and panties and heels
Claw marks you can’t ignore
Can you understand how it feels…
…when you say “our place”?
I’ve never asked you to love me
Or questioned why in our haste
I know your scent lingers on
I breathe it in heady inhalations
Long after you are gone
And these tiny love bites
They sting beautifully
I am not yet earthbound,
…….chasing heights
Torso lithe and heavy
With remembered delights
New rules devolve
With attachments deadly
Sharing secrets untold
And only one guarantee
When this ends I won’t be ready
Broken our own rules
Forgot slow and steady
Naked, I hold onto pillows
Place them hard against me
Where need throbs constantly
So many reasons we cannot be
And my Hands shake visibly
At loss anticipated
I’m quiet – I won’t complicate it
Breeze softly visiting windows
Cooling heated skin, feverish
Don’t fall in love, don’t need
Ever mindful,
Though you are wonderful
I am composed serenity as you leave
Heartache left me spiteful
Bite the “I love you” on my tongue

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